Gagstastic emails part VI

For those not used to this part of my blog, I always write my responses as if an annoying person has sent these directly to me and so my snark is directed at this annoying fictional person. This one was actually received by a friend of mine.

I was truly stunned that there was no sparkly, flashy, crap in this one that I needed to strip out before posting.
__________________________________________________________________


First up, learn to use the Bcc function in your email program. It stands for 'blind carbon copy' and the email addresses entered there will be concealed. Look, these idiotic emails get forwarded and unscrupulous people harvest the email addresses from them with the intent of spamming us all to Kingdom Come. I have occasionally been joe-jobbed which is another fun thing that happens as your email address floats around the Internet. Be a real friend and always use the Bcc function in any emails you think could possibly get forwarded. As Martha Stewart would say, 'Bcc is a good thing'.

Secondly, use the cut and paste function to strip out all the email addresses and comments from those who just hit forward and send this crap on to the next person.Reading all the "insightful" comments from people you don't even know is just annoying.

if you are honest, this tells the truth. It's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.

I cannot believe the stupidity of some people. Email forwards do not foretell the future. Yes, sometimes it looks like one of these things is right but, it's nothing more than a clever trick. You want your future told, then don't mess around. Call the Psychic Friends Network.


Vivica A. Fox wouldn't lie to us!

1. Which is your favorite color out of: red , black , blue , green , or yellow?

I love how you so helpfully color coordinated the words for me. I'm always forgetting if red is the one that matches the color of the stuff that whizzes around in my veins. Maybe next week you can teach me why it's bad to take my toaster INto the bathtub.

2. Your first initial?

You've known me for how long? You don't know my name! You don't love me and think I'm extra super special and want to be my BFF and .... *wails incoherently like a wounded animal. Then grabs a tissue, blows nose and says angrily* My full name is Hairball Tiberius Hairball. *stomps off in a huff*

3. Your month of birth?

Once again if you were really my BFF and thought I was extra super special you would know that I was born in January.

4. Which color do you like more, black or white?

5. Name of a person of the same gender as yours.

You are attractive but, I'm not ready to switch teams just yet. Thanks for asking though.

6. Your favorite number?

7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?

You are so old school in your thinking. I bought a kit on "the internets" and I'm going to convert the shrike bus into a flying shrike bus! Whoot!

8) Do You like a lake or the ocean more?

Are you planning on sending me to sleep with the fishies? Why is your lake so brown?? Ewww!

9) Write down a wish( a realistic one).

I'm just going to ignore the realistic part of this as what fun is there in wishing for stuff like your milk not going bad before you use it up. My wish is that whoever makes up these idiotic email forwards would be staked out nekkid on an ant hill and made to watch this clip over and over for a week. *thinks for a moment* Oh crap! They'd probably enjoy it if all the other junk you send me is indicative of their taste.

When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!)

I learned this phrase from some of my younger friends. I'm not completely sure I'm using this correctly but, I think it goes like this:

EPIC FAIL!

Answers

1.If you choose:

Crap I never picked a color so I guess I'm all the colors all rolled up INto one.

Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.

Oh sorry, I fell asleep there because I'm so lonely and unloved. What did you say??

Black- You are conservative and aggressive.

Just call me Leroy...

Green- Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.

*raises hand* How exactly does one get a relaxed soul? I understand relaxed fit jeans, people relaxing their curly hair, and stretching out on the couch to relax but, my soul being relaxed befuddles me.

Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.

As opposed to random strangers?

Yellow- You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

My advise to all of you who are feeling low is: Never get drunk and cut your hair with pinking shears. Once you sober up, you will look like a idiot which will depress you even further.

2. If your initial is:

A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.

Aww, isn't that nice? The email forward is trying to flatter me! Now where did I put those hip waders??

L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good...

3. If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

So I'm getting a divorce!?! Nobody told me!!!

April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.

July-Sep:You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.

Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate

.

4. If you chose:

Black:Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

If you chose neither, we have a years supply of Turtle Wax for your waxing enjoyment. Tell us all about it, Monty.

5. This person is your best friend.

I'm in the doghouse now as the idiotic sisterchick rule says you must always select the sisterchick who sent you this drivel as your BFF! *grumble grumble* Now wait just a minute! You didn't remember my name or when I was born, so I can use that as emotional blackmail to make you feel like a total worm!! Whoot!

6 This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.

8,675,309! If all my good buddies pool their resources, I am going to be drowning in gifts at Christmas and my birthday. First up, I want this and this. Let me confer with Mr. Hairball about all the details of a new computer and I'll get back to you! Whoot!
Edited to add: Okay, I checked with Mr. Hairball and he wants a Cray CX1 and with his selected options, the price is $ 19,200. It's so nice of all 8,675,309 of you to chip in on the computer of his dreams!

7. If you chose:

Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.

Hmm, 'Flying shrike bus' is not listed as a choice so I'll just make up my own answer.

If you chose: Flying Shrike Bus: You are incredible. Mere words cannot describe how incredibly fabulous you are. No other person on the planet is as gifted as you are. You are the smartest thing on your radioactive waste filled block!

*Singing loudly and off-key*

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

* Hairball realizes everyone is staring at her*

Oh, sorry! I got a little sidetracked there didn't I?

8. If you chose:

Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.


What if you prefer to get drunk on vanella vodka and run through the car wash yelling Whoot! until the cops show up and ask you to leave?

9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday.

*Pulls out cellphone, dials a number and waits for an answer*

Hello Mythbusters? I just wondered if you guys wanted a gagtastic email to blow up on your show?

Feedjit Foolishness

Lubliniec, Czestochowa arrived from google.pl on "Hairballs on the Carpet of Life: Pizza and breadsticks, part II" by searching for hairball machine.

If you want a "hairball machine" you need to do a search for 'cat'.

Shrike Bus vs. Kwanzaa Cake

Whoot! The Shrike bus bursts through a wall of flames, to smash Sandra Lee's infamous Kwanzaa cake to bits.

Yes, Mr. Hairball and I are total geeks who spent Saturday night playing with Gimp! *sheepish grin*

Sorry, dear readers!

Just wanted to apologize to my readers for not having a lot of content for you this week. I realize that I am the center of your universes and that each morning you leap from your snug little beds quivering with anticipation as to my newest recipe, rant, or video clip. LOL

Between a sewing project that involved doing some minor work on my sewing machine, and helping out some of my shrike buddies, the blogging (and reading of blogs) has been pushed to the back burner. Luckily, I did have some posts already in the queue like Flashback Friday so at least there was that!

Things should calm down next week so that I can finally get those pictures up of my lemon pie, and my bam-tastic version of Emeril's pot roast. Whoot!

Tell your friends and loved ones how you feel about them, dance in your kitchens, and yell Whoot! at least twice a day.

Your friend,
Hairball T. Hairball

Flashback Friday!

For the month of April, Flashback Friday will feature selected music from the '80s.

80's Edition- Remember when MTV still played music and you would stay up to watch the Headbangers Ball?



Quiet Riot


Sammy Hagar


Ratt



Motley Crue


Twisted Sister





Have a good weekend everyone!

More to come...

I've been working on some other projects lately but, I do have some pictures from a couple of recent recipes that I will do some posts about soon. Didn't want anybody to think that I stopped cooking or anything!

Gagstastic emails part V

WARNING: The following gagtastic email concerns the events of 9/11, death, and is religious in nature.

A man from Norfolk , VA called a local radio station to share this on Sept 11th, 2003, TWO YEARS AFTER THE TRAGEDIES OF 9/11/2001.

His name was Robert Matthews. These are his words: A few weeks before Sept. 11th, my wife and I found out we were going to have our first child. She planned a trip out to California to visit her sister. On our way to the airport, we prayed that God would grant my wife a safe trip and be with her. Shortly after I said 'amen,' we both heard a loud pop and the car shook violently. We had blown out a tire. I replaced the tire as quickly as I could, but we still missed her flight. Both very upset, we drove home.

I received a call from my father who was retired NYFD. He asked what my wife's flight number was, but I explained that we missed the flight.

My father informed me that her flight was the one that crashed into The southern tower. I was too shocked to speak. My father also had more news for me; he was going to help. 'This is not something I can't just sit by for; I have to do something.'
I was concerned for his safety, of course, but more because he had never given his life to Christ. After a brief debate, I knew his mind was made up. Before he got off of the phone, he said, 'take good care of my Grandchild. Those were the last words I ever heard my father say; he died while helping in the rescue effort.
My joy that my prayer of safety for my wife had been answered quickly became anger. I was angry at God, at my father, and at myself. I had gone for nearly two years blaming God for taking my father away. My son would never know his grandfather, my father had never accepted Christ, and I never got to say good-bye.
Then something happened. About two months ago, I was sitting at home with my wife and my son, when there was a knock on the door. I looked at my wife, but I could tell she wasn't expecting anyone. I opened the door to a couple with a small child. The man looked at me and asked if my father's name was Jake Matthews. I told him it was. He quickly grabbed my hand and said, 'I never got the chance to meet your father, but it is an honor to meet his son.'

He explained to me that his wife had worked in the World Trade Center and had been caught inside after the attack. She was pregnant and had been caught under debris. He then explained that my father had been the one to find his wife and free her. My eyes welled up with tears as I thought of my father giving his life for people like this. He then said, 'there is something else you need to know.'

His wife then told me that as my father worked to free her, she talked to him and led him to Christ. I began sobbing at the news. Now I know that when I get to Heaven, my father will be standing beside Jesus to welcome me, and that this family would be able to thank him themselves .

When their baby boy was born, they named him Jacob Matthew, in honor of the man who gave his life so that a mother and baby could live.

This story should help us to realize this: God is always in control. We may not see the reason behind things, and we may never know this side of heaven, but God is ALWAYS in control.

Please take time to share this amazing story. You may never know the impact it may have on someone. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

*Big huge sigh*

First up, snopes.com says the story is fiction. Secondly, to a anyone who lost a friend or loved one on that day, the story is cruel as it implies that your fictional wife was worth saving while their loved one was not. I'm not even going into the whole thing with your fictional father dying but accepting Christ before his death. In my opinion, that was only put in this story to make the reader feel that you had suffered greatly and therefore deserved to have your wife spared.

I'm going off on a little tangent here.

One of the most cruel and unloving things a Christian can do to another person is to smugly quote: "God is in control" when the other person has suffered a devastating loss. Even if the recipient believes the statement is true, it provides little comfort to be sobbing and have somebody tell you that. I know for me, I hear it as a rebuke to buck up and be happy. Even worse is when someone tells you to "You should be happy because your loved one is with Jesus." *facepalm*

So here's the deal, you either keep your big, fat mouth shut or you say something like "I am sorry for your loss". Even those who believe in everlasting life, struggle with the loss of those near and dear to them. Let them grieve in their own way, in their own time. It's a hard enough process to go through without having to deal with "comforting" comments that provide little comfort.

Don't judge a book...

I love how the judges and the audience just assumed that since Ms. Boyle is not a 20 year old with movie star looks that she couldn't sing! *rolls eyes* I hope Ms. Boyle wins and I will look for news online about how she is doing on the show.

Now some of you are freaking out right now as you I am most definitely not a fan of reality TV. Yep, aside from the PBS-y type reality shows where people go back in time I usually don't like the genre. This is one of those "Can we please let the underdogs have a day in the sun?" situations. So being a misfit/underdog type myself, I'm rooting for her.

Back when I used to watch CSI: Original Recipe, I turned over too soon one night and caught the last few minutes of Survivor. Someone was whining about how another contestant had *gasp* lied as part of their strategy. *rolls eyes* Dude, I don't even watch the show but, I understand the concept of using strategy to win a game.

I've joked for years that some moron will decide to make a reality show version of Russian Roulette and other morons will leap at the chance to go on the Tee-Vee and confirm their stupidity to the world. On the other hand, maybe all the people from Dancing with the Has-beens in Rehab, Swapping Wives and Bratty Kids Racing Around the World, Losing Weight while Looking for Love on an Island Eating Bugs with Donald Trump will go on there and we can get some good shows back on.

By the way, I'm still mad at ABC for canceling Homefront so don't think I can't hold a grudge!

Gagstastic emails part IV

As usual, if you want to see this email in it's original form, email me and say: Please show me the gagtastic sparkly crap.

(I stripped out GIFs of baby chicks doing various actions)

WE SISTERCHICKS NEED TO STICK TOGETHER - LOVE AND PRAY FOR EACH OTHER - STAND WITH AND FOR EACH OTHER - SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER - YEP - THAT'S WHAT SISTERS DO BEST!!!



YOU HAVE 10 MINUTES TO TELL 10 SISTERCHICKS
AND FRIENDS


(One more GIF of a baby chick was here)


THAT YOU LOVE THEM
(INCLUDING ME)
BECAUSE TOMORROW'S NOT PROMISED
SO.... I LOVE YOU!
GO!!!!


I really don't like being called a "SISTERCHICK" and this faux sisterhood business just annoys the crap outta me. I've learned over the 40 years I've been knocking around the planet, that women just like men, can be wonderful people or complete and utter buttheads.

I'm assuming in your little insane world that "SISTERCHICKS" are superior to mere "FRIENDS"? I don't have any close friends that I would dare refer to as "SISTERCHICKS". The women that I am close to don't like this faux sisterhood crap any better than I do. Secondly, remember I'm the one who didn't forward your earlier email to four of my friends, so what makes you think I'm going to round up ten suckers for this one? No, we are not promised tomorrow which is why I don't believe in wasting that time on forwarding stupid emails.


PS: You asked me recently why I don't have a MySpace account or join that online board you love so much? This article has summed it up much better than I ever could.

Flashback Friday!

For the month of April, Flashback Friday will feature selected music from the '80s.

80's Edition- Dance Songs

* In the distance, an early 80's era Chevy Camaro Z28 can be seen coming down the road. The t-tops are off and hands can periodically be seen thrusting up towards the sky. You can feel the bass of the music as the car approaches. Inside the car are two women with really big hair and Risky Business style sunglasses. The driver fishtails to a stop and asks if you'd like a ride to the next town. You accept and hop in the back while the passenger smiles at you and asks if you'd like to pick out some songs for the ride. The driver turns to you and tells you that her name is Hairball. Then she smiles mischievously and yells out Whoot! as she punches the accelerator.*












*Hairball stops in front of a convenience store and thanks you for selecting some fun 80's dance songs and says she hopes you have a nice weekend. She drives away off into the sunset with her friend.*

Happy Easter to all of my readers that celebrate it!