I'll be back tomorrow and my Flashback Friday post has been in the queue for a few days. I'm really missing my cat who passed away right now so I need to take some time to grieve. She was a very good friend to me and the anniversary of her death is not that far off -H

Gagstastic emails part VII -The Death Poem

For those not used to this part of my blog, I always write my responses as if an annoying person has sent these directly to me and so my responses are directed at this annoying fictional person. This is another one that was received by a friend.

Read Alone…..Especially the Poem

This sounds dirty. She wouldn't send me something dirty, would she? Hmm??

I believe what ever is in store for us will be for us.

I believe whatever is at the store is fair game. If I have to yell out that Elvis has been spotted in the store to snag the last package of butter that is on sale then, I'm seeing Elvis!

The Poem is true, unfortunately. Make sure you read the Poem.

Why do so many of these things think we have suffered a memory loss? I just read about reading the poem a couple of lines ago!

Kelly Sedey had one wish, For her boyfriend of three years, David Marsden, to propose to her.


Kelly, you are a very patient person.

Then one day when she was out To lunch David proposed! She accepted, but then had to leave Because she had a meeting in 20 min.

Oh wow! Something fabulous is about to occur to make Kelly a very happy woman, right??

When she got to her office, !!


Why does getting to her office require exclamation points?? Is Publishers Clearing House waiting for her with a ginormous check?


She noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's

Why does Kelly have "e-mail's" instead of emails?

This email business is just downright scary. For me, just the mention of email, clowns, eight track tape decks, Sandra Lee, or Jello pudding makes me break out in a cold sweat.

She checked it, the usual stuff


So poor Kelly had a whole bunch of sparkly animated stuff from sisterchicks who used emotional blackmail to try and make Kelly feel guilty so she wouldn't just delete them all and get on with her day?

(*sighs heavily after saying that big run-on sentence*)

Bummer! She seemed like a nice woman.

From her friends, but then she saw one That she had never gotten before.


You mean she usually gets the same exact emails everyday? How does she get any work done? Do they have some kind of code that if Bill forwards that email from '97 about the Johnson account that today it means the account with the purple unicorn sticker on the file?

It was this poem. She simply deleted it


*screams* NOOOO! You never, ever delete an email! You could become uber-wealthy from some kindhearted person in a country you've never even heard of.

Without even reading all of it.

Even worse! How will you be able to enlarge parts of your body that you don't even have, if you don't read all of the spam??


BIG MISTAKE!

Oh!!! It was a dirty email and she could have spammed all her friends with it.!! Kelly, you are so dumb!

Later that evening,

She's not still at work? Somebody has got to make the doughnuts you slacker!

She received a phone call from the Police It was about DAVID!

David Soul? I really liked him in that Salem's Lot miniseries. In fact I liked it so much that I bought the DVD. Everybody is invited to come over later and watch it with me! I'll make some popcorn on the stove with real butter, and I'll put some Dr. Pepper in the fridge so it will be nice and cold when everybody gets here. Whoot!


He had been in an accident With an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive!


That's a big fat lie! David Soul is alive and well!

Case Two Take Katie Robinson She received this poem
And being the believer that she was


There's lots of good things to believe in but, I've never heard of believing in emails.


She sent it to a few of her friends but Didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 5 that you must.


Katie is a LOSER! Katie is a LOSER! Katie is a LOSER!


Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball.


Katie, if you ask your doctor for the chartreuse and puce pill, you can lose that mask and start living again!

Later that night when she left to get to her car, She was killed in that spot by a Hit-and-run drunk driver.


Well, Katie was obviously a complete and utter loser who didn't even have five people to send the death poem out to, so why should we care what happens to her?

Case Three Richard S. Willis sent this poem out Within 45 minutes of reading it.


Richard, the TV people say for you to send me all your money right now. If you don't, the TV people will make you go bald, gain 100 pounds, grow hair on your eyeballs and smell like a jar of mayonnaise that has been left out in the desert for a week.


Not even 4 hours later walking along the street


Walking? What a loser! Everybody knows that your worth as a person is determined by the car you drive, expensive designer clothes, and a huge McMansion that you can't even afford to buy furniture for. Why should I care about this complete loser?


To his new job interview with a really big company,


Will he have a really big desk, with a really big phone, and sit in a really big chair at the really big company? As Ed Sullivan used to say, "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have a really Big SHEW!".

When he ran into Cynthia Bell,


*SMACK* Hey Cindy, are you okay after that loser knocked you over? I know a good lawyer that could get you a boatload of money off that loser!


His secret love for 5 years.


Richard you are King of the losers! Five years is plenty of time to hike up your drawers and tell ol' Cindy how you feel.

Cynthia came up to him And told him of her passionate crush on him That she had had for 2 years.


Oh Hell! Cindy, you are the Queen of the losers.


Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married.


Wow! That was one quick wedding. You don't think....nah!! Poor ol' Cindy didn't even have time to turn into a bridezilla. I bet Cindy's mom is still upset that she didn't get to do the whole fairy princess bit for ol' Cindy and blames you for it.

Cynthia and Richard are still married With three children, happy as ever!


Maybe so but, they couldn't ever admit if they weren't happy as the death poem would come knocking on their door and take them out.


This is the Poem


Oh Goody! I'll be dead soon so y'all can fight over my bath stuff, my DVDs, my silicone bakeware and the ice cream in the freezer. Be sure and feed my cats their Metamucil once a day, okay?

Around the corner I have a friend,


I have a hallway.


In this great city that has no end,


Your city is on a ginormous treadmill? How awesome! How exactly does that work?


Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,


I love it when weeks wear those little running shorts with the days of the week on the back.

And before I know it, a year is gone.


Who stole the year? Give it back right now!


And I never see my old friends face,


I think your city has a serious crime problem if someone had their face stolen!

For life is a swift and terrible race,


Did you know they made a reality show about racing around the world? It was about running from the cops or trying to get away from Donald Trump's hair or something.


He knows I like him just as well,


Oh, so you are not a loser like Richard and Cindy? Good for you!


As in the days when I rang his bell.


I try to keep things PG-13 around here so lets skip over the details, okay?


And he rang mine but we were younger then,


I really don't need to know the details. Let's just have the closeup of the fireplace and then the fadeout.


And now we are busy, tired men.


Too busy for bell ringing, we got it. Get on with the story.


Continue….


I told you to get on with it!!


Tired of playing a foolish game,


I like Scrabble and Monopoly myself. Oh, and card games! I like crazy eights and gin rummy. Dominoes are also fun.


Tired of trying to make a name.

I love making up names! I'm Hairball T.Hairball online, at the doctor's office I'm Winifred Samuels Johnson, and Mr. Hairball thinks my first name is Sparkles. I'll call you Ridge, like that actor on the Bold and the Beautiful. He doesn't have a whole lot of range, but he can still kinda move his face and he doesn't have a trout pout like some of his co-stars so I guess he's alright.


'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim


Ridge, remember about the fireplace.


Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'


Ridge, look at the pretty fire in the fireplace.

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And distance between us grows and grows.


I saw this guy on Oprah once with this book he was hawking. I think you might find it helpful. He's Just Not That Into You.


Around the corner, yet miles away,


You live on an extremely long block!!


'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'


He read your telegram? Aren't they supposed to be sealed so the delivery person can't snoop? I think you should get a lawyer.


And that's what we get and deserve in the end.


FIREPLACE! FIREPLACE! FIREPLACE!


Around the corner, a vanished friend.


Wow! You must have magicians living on your extremely long block! Is your car still there?


Continue…


Yeah, go on...

Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them.

Good advice! Also, don't be losers like Richard and Cindy.


Don't be afraid to express yourself.



Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.


Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Call up, call up and just say hi! I loved those old commercials didn't you?

Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.


Just ask Richard and Cindy about the time they wasted being losers.

Seize the day. Never have regrets.


Carpe Diem, carpe pizza, carpe ice cream,...


And most importantly, stay close to your friends


So they don't run away, because you are just plain scary!


and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

Yes, they are the ones who made me afraid of email, clowns, eight track tape decks, and Jello pudding. Now, my fear of Sandra Lee has nothing to do with them. I saw the infamous Halloween episode with the cheesecake and the pumpkin pie, and I knew right then, that she was eight kinds of crazy.


You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 other people besides me

Oh wow! Your friends and family are gonna come over and toilet paper your house for spamming them with this crap!

If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck.

Well, once you get all that toilet paper out of your trees, you won't have to buy any for a long time and that's kinda lucky!


the more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have.

You are going to have oodles of free toilet paper!!

SMILE, even through your tears!!!!!

That's funny! My tears come out of my eyes and yours come out of your mouth. How deliciously odd!

Pizza, breadsticks, and pot roast

Some more recent recipes.

Pizza and breadsticks- I used Judy's recipe from Judy's Kitchen this time. Judy is going to be competing in a recipe contest this weekend so keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she makes her way to Branson, MO.

Earlier, I did some posts about whether garlic will inhibit the yeast action when added to pizza dough, here and here. I did add four cloves of minced garlic, and substituted 1/2 cup of semolina and a 1/2 cup of whole wheat flour for 1 cup of the bread flour. I saw in the comment section of her blog that someone had suggested replacing 1/2 cup of the bread flour with semolina flour.



As you can see from this photo taken of the dough after the second rise, I got an excellent rise with the addition of the garlic.

I used half the dough to make a pizza the other half I made breadsticks out of using the method that Rosie Hawthorne had suggested in one of her posts on homemade pizza



I topped the pizza with pepperoni and some breakfast sausage that I browned up earlier and packaged for the freezer. I want to try this again without the whole wheat flour and see how that comes out. Mr. Hairball liked this a lot.

Cola-Braised Pot Roast- The recipe calls for fresh rosemary but, I didn't have that so I substituted some fresh basil from our aerogarden.



I keep forgetting to talk about the aerogarden. We currently have nothing but basil growing as Mr. Hairball is looking forward to fresh pesto and emjoys adding fresh basil leaves to his salads.

Then I peeled a head of garlic and put the cloves, the basil, salt, and some olive oil in my mini chopper and buzzed it up until the garlic was finely minced and inserted this mixture INto the slits in the roasts. I used two smaller roasts because it's just the two of us and that way I have another roast for another day. After the second roast was cooked, and had cooled for an hour, I packaged it up and put it INto the freezer.


Garlic basil mixture stuffed INTo the slits. It's hard to not get the mixture on the surface while doing the stuffing.

The recipe calls for a dutch oven which I don't have so I used my cast iron skillet for browning the meat and making the gravy and cooked the roasts in the oven in a 9x13 Pyrex dish.


Browning the roasts before they go INto the oven


Making the gravy

If you are a diehard foodie you probably shouldn't read this next bit.



*spoiler space*





Last time I made mashed potatoes I based them on Anne Burrell's recipe. I had some leftover from that meal, so I froze them for another day. Now, when you defrost mashed potatoes they are going to be a bit watery so, I mixed in some instant potato flakes to thicken them back up. Instant potato flakes are a good thickener for stuff like that so I like to keep some on hand.

About to mix in the instant potatoes...



Mr. Hairball really liked this and talked about it for days. He even said he liked it better than his Grandmother's pot roast which is very high praise as she is an excellent cook.

Pie, cookies, and bread

Here's a quick post about some things I've made recently.

Lemon Pie-


I made a graham cracker crust and a double batch of Alton Brown's Lemon Curd and poured it IN to the crust and stuck it in the fridge.

Then later I made up some whipped cream and served it with the pie. It's not the prettiest pie but, if you like lemon then you will really enjoy the taste.

"Peppermint Bark" Chocolate Cookies- I first made these back in January and Mr. Hairball and his co-workers loved them. I made the softer version where you use all brown sugar instead of a 50/50 blend of white and brown. Follow the link to see the recipe and some pictures.

Bread- I make all of the sandwich type bread for my household in my bread machine. Here's the recipe I'm currently using in case anybody else wants an 100% whole wheat bread that works well for sandwiches. The recipe also has instructions for making it by hand, or in a stand mixer with a dough hook. Just click the picture to enlarge so you see the text.

For those of you in drier climates, be prepared to increase the amount of water. I've added as much as 1/2 cup of extra water on days when the daytime humidity here in Hairballville is in the single digits. I suggest cutting this bread on the thin side as it will really fill you up!

Update to Gagastic email part VI

In reading over the comments I got on this post, I think I need to clarify something. I was poking fun at myself and my older fictional recipient by using terms like "Epic Fail" or "The Internets". I'm 40, I know that I'm not up on the latest stuff that is going around and for me, that's part of the joke. *laughs* I saw a rerun of Frasier the other night, and the term 'buzz kill' was used on the show. My first thought was to wonder if anyone under 30 uses that term anymore.

I admit that I do get tickled at older people I know who say stuff like "so and so is in the jail", "I bought this at the Wal-Marts", "I'm afraid of the Internets", etc... I even have a relative who refuses to get an ATM card because he is afraid of computer viruses.

To these people, I'm young, hip, and tech savvy which is completely hysterical to me because I'm well aware that I am not on top of the trends of ANYTHING! Well, unless everybody starts yelling Whoot! and dancing in their kitchens, that is.*grins*

Live long and prosper,

Hairball T. Hairball

Gagstastic emails part VI

For those not used to this part of my blog, I always write my responses as if an annoying person has sent these directly to me and so my snark is directed at this annoying fictional person. This one was actually received by a friend of mine.

I was truly stunned that there was no sparkly, flashy, crap in this one that I needed to strip out before posting.
__________________________________________________________________


First up, learn to use the Bcc function in your email program. It stands for 'blind carbon copy' and the email addresses entered there will be concealed. Look, these idiotic emails get forwarded and unscrupulous people harvest the email addresses from them with the intent of spamming us all to Kingdom Come. I have occasionally been joe-jobbed which is another fun thing that happens as your email address floats around the Internet. Be a real friend and always use the Bcc function in any emails you think could possibly get forwarded. As Martha Stewart would say, 'Bcc is a good thing'.

Secondly, use the cut and paste function to strip out all the email addresses and comments from those who just hit forward and send this crap on to the next person.Reading all the "insightful" comments from people you don't even know is just annoying.

if you are honest, this tells the truth. It's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.

I cannot believe the stupidity of some people. Email forwards do not foretell the future. Yes, sometimes it looks like one of these things is right but, it's nothing more than a clever trick. You want your future told, then don't mess around. Call the Psychic Friends Network.


Vivica A. Fox wouldn't lie to us!

1. Which is your favorite color out of: red , black , blue , green , or yellow?

I love how you so helpfully color coordinated the words for me. I'm always forgetting if red is the one that matches the color of the stuff that whizzes around in my veins. Maybe next week you can teach me why it's bad to take my toaster INto the bathtub.

2. Your first initial?

You've known me for how long? You don't know my name! You don't love me and think I'm extra super special and want to be my BFF and .... *wails incoherently like a wounded animal. Then grabs a tissue, blows nose and says angrily* My full name is Hairball Tiberius Hairball. *stomps off in a huff*

3. Your month of birth?

Once again if you were really my BFF and thought I was extra super special you would know that I was born in January.

4. Which color do you like more, black or white?

5. Name of a person of the same gender as yours.

You are attractive but, I'm not ready to switch teams just yet. Thanks for asking though.

6. Your favorite number?

7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?

You are so old school in your thinking. I bought a kit on "the internets" and I'm going to convert the shrike bus into a flying shrike bus! Whoot!

8) Do You like a lake or the ocean more?

Are you planning on sending me to sleep with the fishies? Why is your lake so brown?? Ewww!

9) Write down a wish( a realistic one).

I'm just going to ignore the realistic part of this as what fun is there in wishing for stuff like your milk not going bad before you use it up. My wish is that whoever makes up these idiotic email forwards would be staked out nekkid on an ant hill and made to watch this clip over and over for a week. *thinks for a moment* Oh crap! They'd probably enjoy it if all the other junk you send me is indicative of their taste.

When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!)

I learned this phrase from some of my younger friends. I'm not completely sure I'm using this correctly but, I think it goes like this:

EPIC FAIL!

Answers

1.If you choose:

Crap I never picked a color so I guess I'm all the colors all rolled up INto one.

Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.

Oh sorry, I fell asleep there because I'm so lonely and unloved. What did you say??

Black- You are conservative and aggressive.

Just call me Leroy...

Green- Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.

*raises hand* How exactly does one get a relaxed soul? I understand relaxed fit jeans, people relaxing their curly hair, and stretching out on the couch to relax but, my soul being relaxed befuddles me.

Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.

As opposed to random strangers?

Yellow- You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

My advise to all of you who are feeling low is: Never get drunk and cut your hair with pinking shears. Once you sober up, you will look like a idiot which will depress you even further.

2. If your initial is:

A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.

Aww, isn't that nice? The email forward is trying to flatter me! Now where did I put those hip waders??

L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good...

3. If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

So I'm getting a divorce!?! Nobody told me!!!

April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.

July-Sep:You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.

Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate

.

4. If you chose:

Black:Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

If you chose neither, we have a years supply of Turtle Wax for your waxing enjoyment. Tell us all about it, Monty.

5. This person is your best friend.

I'm in the doghouse now as the idiotic sisterchick rule says you must always select the sisterchick who sent you this drivel as your BFF! *grumble grumble* Now wait just a minute! You didn't remember my name or when I was born, so I can use that as emotional blackmail to make you feel like a total worm!! Whoot!

6 This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.

8,675,309! If all my good buddies pool their resources, I am going to be drowning in gifts at Christmas and my birthday. First up, I want this and this. Let me confer with Mr. Hairball about all the details of a new computer and I'll get back to you! Whoot!
Edited to add: Okay, I checked with Mr. Hairball and he wants a Cray CX1 and with his selected options, the price is $ 19,200. It's so nice of all 8,675,309 of you to chip in on the computer of his dreams!

7. If you chose:

Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.

Hmm, 'Flying shrike bus' is not listed as a choice so I'll just make up my own answer.

If you chose: Flying Shrike Bus: You are incredible. Mere words cannot describe how incredibly fabulous you are. No other person on the planet is as gifted as you are. You are the smartest thing on your radioactive waste filled block!

*Singing loudly and off-key*

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

* Hairball realizes everyone is staring at her*

Oh, sorry! I got a little sidetracked there didn't I?

8. If you chose:

Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.


What if you prefer to get drunk on vanella vodka and run through the car wash yelling Whoot! until the cops show up and ask you to leave?

9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday.

*Pulls out cellphone, dials a number and waits for an answer*

Hello Mythbusters? I just wondered if you guys wanted a gagtastic email to blow up on your show?

Feedjit Foolishness

Lubliniec, Czestochowa arrived from google.pl on "Hairballs on the Carpet of Life: Pizza and breadsticks, part II" by searching for hairball machine.

If you want a "hairball machine" you need to do a search for 'cat'.

Shrike Bus vs. Kwanzaa Cake

Whoot! The Shrike bus bursts through a wall of flames, to smash Sandra Lee's infamous Kwanzaa cake to bits.

Yes, Mr. Hairball and I are total geeks who spent Saturday night playing with Gimp! *sheepish grin*

Sorry, dear readers!

Just wanted to apologize to my readers for not having a lot of content for you this week. I realize that I am the center of your universes and that each morning you leap from your snug little beds quivering with anticipation as to my newest recipe, rant, or video clip. LOL

Between a sewing project that involved doing some minor work on my sewing machine, and helping out some of my shrike buddies, the blogging (and reading of blogs) has been pushed to the back burner. Luckily, I did have some posts already in the queue like Flashback Friday so at least there was that!

Things should calm down next week so that I can finally get those pictures up of my lemon pie, and my bam-tastic version of Emeril's pot roast. Whoot!

Tell your friends and loved ones how you feel about them, dance in your kitchens, and yell Whoot! at least twice a day.

Your friend,
Hairball T. Hairball

Flashback Friday!

For the month of April, Flashback Friday will feature selected music from the '80s.

80's Edition- Remember when MTV still played music and you would stay up to watch the Headbangers Ball?



Quiet Riot


Sammy Hagar


Ratt



Motley Crue


Twisted Sister





Have a good weekend everyone!