Gagstastic emails part XIV-More Sisterchick Nonsense

Thanks to my non-sisterchick friend Rosie, who shared this gagtastic email with me for my series. I predict that your fondest culinary dream will come to pass in exactly nine minutes if you stand on your head and cluck like a chicken. Whoot!

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~"Oh Crap, She's up!"

Sister, life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.

Yes, you should treat your loved ones right and I suggest starting right now by not sending gagtastic emails.

Love the ones who don't just because you can.

Be sure and act very smug while doing so.

Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Kiss slowly.
Forgive quickly.
God never said life would be easy.
He just promised it would be worth it.

We've talked about this before, but obviously you need to be severely beaten about the head and shoulders reminded again. When someone is having a hard time or has suffered a loss of some sort, they don't want an overcaffeinated cheerleader burbling about how God wants you to be unemployed or have cancer, or whatever they happen to be facing at that moment. You can sit with them if they want to cry, lend an ear if they feel like talking, take them somewhere to blow off steam, bring over some dinner, or even help out by walking the dog or watching the kids, but don't pat them on the shoulder and vomit platitudes in their face. Got it?

Today is sister's day,send this to all your sisters, mothers, daughters, girlfriends even me if I am like one. If you get back 7, you are loved.

Yep, you are loved by a pack of idiots who believe every crackpot urban legend and conspiracy theory they ever met. Aren't you proud?

Happy Sister's Day!

I LOVE YA SISTA'!!! :-)

Somehow, I doubt that...

Girlfriend and Sister's Week
I am only as strong as the chocolate I eat, the hair spray I use and the friends I have. To the cool women that have touched my life... Here's to you!

Um not to be nit-picky or anything, but earlier you were talking about God, and now he's missing from your list of what makes you strong?!? *boggle*

National Girlfriends Day
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants and shopping, lunching, and traveling girls? Let's celebrate each other for each other's sake!

Well, we would probably spend less money on shopping, eating out, and traveling. Personally, being in a car full of sisterchicks for more than 3 seconds sounds like Hell on earth to me. I'm obviously missing the sisterchick gene. *shrugs*

TO MY GIRLFRIENDS!

If you get this twice you know you have more than one girlfriend... Be Happy!

I won't be receiving multiple copies of this as I don't forward this kind of junk to others. My small circle of friends thinks these emails are beyond stupid.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS AND RETURN IT TO THE FRIEND WHO SENT IT TO YOU! It is good to be a woman.

I'm so tired of the giggly idiot = woman equation you keep hawking. If I wave something shiny in your face will you promise to get all distracted and leave?

Gagstastic emails part XIII-The Clock

To so many great women that I know and love. cheers to you!!!!

Crap!!!

The Clock - read all the way to the end (SO TRUE)

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED: To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Well, duh! If the process of living doesn't shape and change you into a better person along the way, you're doing it wrong.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

NOW YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK!!!!

Oh goody, here comes the sisterchick emotional blackmail garbage.

IN 9 MINUTES SOMETHING WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY,

It doesn't take nine minutes to delete this crap.

BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL 9 SISTERS YOU LOVE THEM, INCLUDING ME. GO!!!!

How about I tell you a really lame joke? How do you keep an idiot in suspense?


I'll tell you tomorrow. *rim shot*

One Flaw In Women

One? Just one? *laughs hysterically* Did you not attend high school?

Women have strengths that amaze men.

Not this old crap again!

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

...And men don't??

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

And urine! BRB

They smile when they want to scream.

Yeah, ignoring your feelings is really a healthy way to live.

They sing when they want to cry.

Uh, no. I cry when I want to cry. Pretending to be happy when you are miserable is a really bad idea for anybody.

They cry when they are happy

Okay, I'll give you this one. Sometimes you can have 'tears of joy'.

and laugh when they are nervous.

Some men do that too.

They fight for what they believe in.

As do men...

They stand up to injustice.

Once again, so do men.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

Again, this is not exclusive to women.

They go without so their family can have.

Sorry, Charlie. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage women to play martyr like that. Sooner or later she's going to get very angry when nobody notices her sacrifices and praises her for it. Work it out so that one person doesn't always get the old, cold tater.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Once again this is not exclusive to women. Men can also be very nurturing to those they care about.

They love unconditionally.

Men are also capable of this. Haven't you ever seen a devoted father with his chronically ill child?

They cry when their children excel

Have you never been to a graduation and seen the fathers struggling to hold back tears when their child graduates??

and cheer when their friends get awards.

Ditto for the guys.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding

Look, the average guy may not be so big on all the wedding details or baby showers, but they want their friends and family to be happy just like women. To be honest, *I* could go the rest of my life without attending another baby or bridal shower as I find them pretty boring, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy for the people involved.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member,

And men don't grieve?? It make look different than your grief, but it's still grief.

yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

Once again, this is not exclusive to women.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

The average man may not be as openly affectionate as the average woman, but sometimes it's nice to just have somebody sit quietly with you and support you just by being there.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

Men, on the other hand, are androids made in huge factories.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

Yeah, you never hear stories about guys giving kidneys to their best friends, helping relatives move to third floor walk-up apartments, or sending flowers every year to their mothers on her birthday. Who would want that, when you can get a whole slew of idiotic chain emails everyday that threaten emotional blackmail if you don't return them ASAP?

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

Dammit! now I've got that idiotic song in my head.

They bring joy, hope and love.

Can you pick up a pizza too? I don't feel like cooking tonight.

They have compassion and ideas.

So all men are idiotic jerks?? That's nice...

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Are all the men you know narcissistic jerks? I really want to know, as you have obviously decided that only women possess positive attributes.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

Yeah, it was really vital that you sent this email to me.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

They like to send these stupid emails!!

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

So they must receive 5000 idiotic emails to prop up their practically nonexistent self-esteem? I'm begging you to seek professional help if getting these emails is what gets you through the day.

Please pass this along to all your women friends and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are.

If you really do think you are absolute crap, getting this email is not going to change anything.

Broken Beater Strikes Again

Dear KitchenAid,

I really hate the "turbo" beaters you are using on your hand mixers. I gave you the benefit of the doubt the last time and replaced the broken beaters, but this is just ridiculous.




I'm an avid home baker, and if your beaters can't "Mix Cookie Dough Easily", there is no reason for me to have a KitchenAid hand mixer.

Sincerely,
Hairball T. Hairball

Gagtastic email part XIII- The Little Things

If you are in mourning right now, you better skip this one.

____________________________________________

The ' L I T T L E ' Things~



As you might remember, the head of a company survived
9/11 because his son started kindergarten.



Another fellow was alive because it was
His turn to bring donuts.



One woman was late because her
Alarm clock didn't go off in time.



One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
Because of an auto accident.



One of them
Missed his bus.



One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
Time to change.



One's
Car wouldn't start.



One couldn't
Get a taxi.



The one that struck me was the man
Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
Took the various means to get to work
But before he got there, he developed
a blister on his foot.



He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today..




Now when I am
Stuck in traffic ,
Miss an elevator,
Turn back to answer a ringing telephone ...
All the little things that annoy me.
I think to myself,
This is exactly where
God wants me to be
At this very moment..



Next time your morning seems to be
Going wrong ,



You can't seem to find the car keys,
You hit every traffic light,
Don't get mad or frustrated;
It May be just that
God is at work watching over you.



May God continue to bless you
With all those annoying little things
And may you remember their possible purpose.



Pass this on to someone else, if you'd like. There is NO LUCK attached.
If you delete this, it's okay: God's Love Is Not Dependent On E-Mail!!
(that's the cool part)



A M E N


*sighs and shakes head*

The next time you have a personal tragedy in your life, I'm going to take the high road and offer you my condolences. You see, most people consider it rude to tell a person that if God liked you or your loved one(s) a little better, he would have prevented your personal tragedy.


PS: I thought we had this all settled after you sent that last email.

I Really Hate The Weather Channel Right Now

The heat is really getting to me. I'm seriously considering wrapping myself up in a bed sheet and telling everyone it's a toga. I completely flipped out earlier and yelled a variety of obscenities at the Weather Channel. You know, I understand that some parts of the USA are experiencing cooler than average summer weather and those folks are thrilled about their lower power bills and such, but could you talking heads please turn down the glee a notch?

To the blonde gal in the Hamptons who keeps blathering on about how fabulous the weather is right now in the Hamptons: It's gonna be another scorcher where I am, while other people are really struggling to pay their bills, so your infomercial on the "Joys of The Hamptons" is highly annoying.

Can somebody hand me a guitar?



For those of you on dial-up, it's the scene from Animal House where John Belushi comes downstairs in his toga, hears the love song, and smashes the singer's guitar.