"Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we've lived."
-Jean Luc Picard

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Gagstastic emails part XIV-More Sisterchick Nonsense

Thanks to my non-sisterchick friend Rosie, who shared this gagtastic email with me for my series. I predict that your fondest culinary dream will come to pass in exactly nine minutes if you stand on your head and cluck like a chicken. Whoot!

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~"Oh Crap, She's up!"

Sister, life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.

Yes, you should treat your loved ones right and I suggest starting right now by not sending gagtastic emails.

Love the ones who don't just because you can.

Be sure and act very smug while doing so.

Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Kiss slowly.
Forgive quickly.
God never said life would be easy.
He just promised it would be worth it.

We've talked about this before, but obviously you need to be severely beaten about the head and shoulders reminded again. When someone is having a hard time or has suffered a loss of some sort, they don't want an overcaffeinated cheerleader burbling about how God wants you to be unemployed or have cancer, or whatever they happen to be facing at that moment. You can sit with them if they want to cry, lend an ear if they feel like talking, take them somewhere to blow off steam, bring over some dinner, or even help out by walking the dog or watching the kids, but don't pat them on the shoulder and vomit platitudes in their face. Got it?

Today is sister's day,send this to all your sisters, mothers, daughters, girlfriends even me if I am like one. If you get back 7, you are loved.

Yep, you are loved by a pack of idiots who believe every crackpot urban legend and conspiracy theory they ever met. Aren't you proud?

Happy Sister's Day!


Somehow, I doubt that...

Girlfriend and Sister's Week
I am only as strong as the chocolate I eat, the hair spray I use and the friends I have. To the cool women that have touched my life... Here's to you!

Um not to be nit-picky or anything, but earlier you were talking about God, and now he's missing from your list of what makes you strong?!? *boggle*

National Girlfriends Day
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants and shopping, lunching, and traveling girls? Let's celebrate each other for each other's sake!

Well, we would probably spend less money on shopping, eating out, and traveling. Personally, being in a car full of sisterchicks for more than 3 seconds sounds like Hell on earth to me. I'm obviously missing the sisterchick gene. *shrugs*


If you get this twice you know you have more than one girlfriend... Be Happy!

I won't be receiving multiple copies of this as I don't forward this kind of junk to others. My small circle of friends thinks these emails are beyond stupid.


I'm so tired of the giggly idiot = woman equation you keep hawking. If I wave something shiny in your face will you promise to get all distracted and leave?

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Gagstastic emails part XIII-The Clock

To so many great women that I know and love. cheers to you!!!!


The Clock - read all the way to the end (SO TRUE)

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED: To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Well, duh! If the process of living doesn't shape and change you into a better person along the way, you're doing it wrong.



Oh goody, here comes the sisterchick emotional blackmail garbage.


It doesn't take nine minutes to delete this crap.


How about I tell you a really lame joke? How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow. *rim shot*

One Flaw In Women

One? Just one? *laughs hysterically* Did you not attend high school?

Women have strengths that amaze men.

Not this old crap again!

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

...And men don't??

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

And urine! BRB

They smile when they want to scream.

Yeah, ignoring your feelings is really a healthy way to live.

They sing when they want to cry.

Uh, no. I cry when I want to cry. Pretending to be happy when you are miserable is a really bad idea for anybody.

They cry when they are happy

Okay, I'll give you this one. Sometimes you can have 'tears of joy'.

and laugh when they are nervous.

Some men do that too.

They fight for what they believe in.

As do men...

They stand up to injustice.

Once again, so do men.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

Again, this is not exclusive to women.

They go without so their family can have.

Sorry, Charlie. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage women to play martyr like that. Sooner or later she's going to get very angry when nobody notices her sacrifices and praises her for it. Work it out so that one person doesn't always get the old, cold tater.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Once again this is not exclusive to women. Men can also be very nurturing to those they care about.

They love unconditionally.

Men are also capable of this. Haven't you ever seen a devoted father with his chronically ill child?

They cry when their children excel

Have you never been to a graduation and seen the fathers struggling to hold back tears when their child graduates??

and cheer when their friends get awards.

Ditto for the guys.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding

Look, the average guy may not be so big on all the wedding details or baby showers, but they want their friends and family to be happy just like women. To be honest, *I* could go the rest of my life without attending another baby or bridal shower as I find them pretty boring, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy for the people involved.

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member,

And men don't grieve?? It make look different than your grief, but it's still grief.

yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

Once again, this is not exclusive to women.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

The average man may not be as openly affectionate as the average woman, but sometimes it's nice to just have somebody sit quietly with you and support you just by being there.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

Men, on the other hand, are androids made in huge factories.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

Yeah, you never hear stories about guys giving kidneys to their best friends, helping relatives move to third floor walk-up apartments, or sending flowers every year to their mothers on her birthday. Who would want that, when you can get a whole slew of idiotic chain emails everyday that threaten emotional blackmail if you don't return them ASAP?

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

Dammit! now I've got that idiotic song in my head.

They bring joy, hope and love.

Can you pick up a pizza too? I don't feel like cooking tonight.

They have compassion and ideas.

So all men are idiotic jerks?? That's nice...

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Are all the men you know narcissistic jerks? I really want to know, as you have obviously decided that only women possess positive attributes.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

Yeah, it was really vital that you sent this email to me.


They like to send these stupid emails!!


So they must receive 5000 idiotic emails to prop up their practically nonexistent self-esteem? I'm begging you to seek professional help if getting these emails is what gets you through the day.

Please pass this along to all your women friends and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are.

If you really do think you are absolute crap, getting this email is not going to change anything.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Feedjit Foolishness II

I was browsing over my Feedjit results and discovered a couple that I'd like to share with you. I'm always very interested in the search terms that bring people over to HOTCOL. I'll warn you that part of today's edition is possibly NSFW.


Warminster, Pennsylvania arrived from google.com on "Hairballs on the Carpet of Life" by searching for dessert hairball recipe.

This had me really puzzled and a bit queasy at first, but I found a Halloween recipe for a Hairball Salad With Saliva Dressing . I'm going to assume that this person had an actual dessert in mind and will not be chowing down on what the cat coughed up.

Sunnyvale, California arrived from google.com on "Hairballs on the Carpet of Life: Gagstastic emails part V" by searching for wife hairball vagina.

Wow! I mean, um... gee....

*stares at wall and blinks rapidly*

Um, did you actually have sex ed, or are you just making it up as you go along?

*stares at wall and blinks rapidly again*

So...um... do you insert them?

Do you tape them on like some bizarre version of a merkin?

Please tell me that your wife doesn't pretend to give birth to them?

Just how drunk or high does one have to be to get to a place where this sounds like a good thing to do?

You know, I've cleaned up my fair share of hairballs and I can honestly say that I've never once looked at one and thought...

Marvin Gaye-Let's Get It On.

Uh... I think I need a drink and a gallon of some brain bleach.