"Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we've lived."
-Jean Luc Picard

Monday, April 20, 2009

Gagstastic emails part VI

For those not used to this part of my blog, I always write my responses as if an annoying person has sent these directly to me and so my snark is directed at this annoying fictional person. This one was actually received by a friend of mine.

I was truly stunned that there was no sparkly, flashy, crap in this one that I needed to strip out before posting.

First up, learn to use the Bcc function in your email program. It stands for 'blind carbon copy' and the email addresses entered there will be concealed. Look, these idiotic emails get forwarded and unscrupulous people harvest the email addresses from them with the intent of spamming us all to Kingdom Come. I have occasionally been joe-jobbed which is another fun thing that happens as your email address floats around the Internet. Be a real friend and always use the Bcc function in any emails you think could possibly get forwarded. As Martha Stewart would say, 'Bcc is a good thing'.

Secondly, use the cut and paste function to strip out all the email addresses and comments from those who just hit forward and send this crap on to the next person.Reading all the "insightful" comments from people you don't even know is just annoying.

if you are honest, this tells the truth. It's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.

I cannot believe the stupidity of some people. Email forwards do not foretell the future. Yes, sometimes it looks like one of these things is right but, it's nothing more than a clever trick. You want your future told, then don't mess around. Call the Psychic Friends Network.

Vivica A. Fox wouldn't lie to us!

1. Which is your favorite color out of: red , black , blue , green , or yellow?

I love how you so helpfully color coordinated the words for me. I'm always forgetting if red is the one that matches the color of the stuff that whizzes around in my veins. Maybe next week you can teach me why it's bad to take my toaster INto the bathtub.

2. Your first initial?

You've known me for how long? You don't know my name! You don't love me and think I'm extra super special and want to be my BFF and .... *wails incoherently like a wounded animal. Then grabs a tissue, blows nose and says angrily* My full name is Hairball Tiberius Hairball. *stomps off in a huff*

3. Your month of birth?

Once again if you were really my BFF and thought I was extra super special you would know that I was born in January.

4. Which color do you like more, black or white?

5. Name of a person of the same gender as yours.

You are attractive but, I'm not ready to switch teams just yet. Thanks for asking though.

6. Your favorite number?

7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?

You are so old school in your thinking. I bought a kit on "the internets" and I'm going to convert the shrike bus into a flying shrike bus! Whoot!

8) Do You like a lake or the ocean more?

Are you planning on sending me to sleep with the fishies? Why is your lake so brown?? Ewww!

9) Write down a wish( a realistic one).

I'm just going to ignore the realistic part of this as what fun is there in wishing for stuff like your milk not going bad before you use it up. My wish is that whoever makes up these idiotic email forwards would be staked out nekkid on an ant hill and made to watch this clip over and over for a week. *thinks for a moment* Oh crap! They'd probably enjoy it if all the other junk you send me is indicative of their taste.

When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!)

I learned this phrase from some of my younger friends. I'm not completely sure I'm using this correctly but, I think it goes like this:



1.If you choose:

Crap I never picked a color so I guess I'm all the colors all rolled up INto one.

Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.

Oh sorry, I fell asleep there because I'm so lonely and unloved. What did you say??

Black- You are conservative and aggressive.

Just call me Leroy...

Green- Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.

*raises hand* How exactly does one get a relaxed soul? I understand relaxed fit jeans, people relaxing their curly hair, and stretching out on the couch to relax but, my soul being relaxed befuddles me.

Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.

As opposed to random strangers?

Yellow- You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

My advise to all of you who are feeling low is: Never get drunk and cut your hair with pinking shears. Once you sober up, you will look like a idiot which will depress you even further.
2. If your initial is:

A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
Aww, isn't that nice? The email forward is trying to flatter me! Now where did I put those hip waders??

L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good...

3. If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
So I'm getting a divorce!?! Nobody told me!!!

April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.

July-Sep:You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.

Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate

4. If you chose:

Black:Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
If you chose neither, we have a years supply of Turtle Wax for your waxing enjoyment. Tell us all about it, Monty.

5. This person is your best friend.

I'm in the doghouse now as the idiotic sisterchick rule says you must always select the sisterchick who sent you this drivel as your BFF! *grumble grumble* Now wait just a minute! You didn't remember my name or when I was born, so I can use that as emotional blackmail to make you feel like a total worm!! Whoot!

6 This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
8,675,309! If all my good buddies pool their resources, I am going to be drowning in gifts at Christmas and my birthday. First up, I want this and this. Let me confer with Mr. Hairball about all the details of a new computer and I'll get back to you! Whoot!
Edited to add: Okay, I checked with Mr. Hairball and he wants a Cray CX1 and with his selected options, the price is $ 19,200. It's so nice of all 8,675,309 of you to chip in on the computer of his dreams!

7. If you chose:

Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.

Hmm, 'Flying shrike bus' is not listed as a choice so I'll just make up my own answer.

If you chose: Flying Shrike Bus: You are incredible. Mere words cannot describe how incredibly fabulous you are. No other person on the planet is as gifted as you are. You are the smartest thing on your radioactive waste filled block!

*Singing loudly and off-key*

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

* Hairball realizes everyone is staring at her*

Oh, sorry! I got a little sidetracked there didn't I?

8. If you chose:

Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

What if you prefer to get drunk on vanella vodka and run through the car wash yelling Whoot! until the cops show up and ask you to leave?

9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday.

*Pulls out cellphone, dials a number and waits for an answer*

Hello Mythbusters? I just wondered if you guys wanted a gagtastic email to blow up on your show?