"Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we've lived."
-Jean Luc Picard

Sunday, January 25, 2009

SHCWSL- Homecoming Tailgate

Here's a link to the The Food Network's website

"zesty Buffalo Chicken Pizza, Chipotle Java Rubbed Tenderloin, Chocolate Coconut Almond Cake and a Homecoming Punch."


How come 'zesty' isn't capitalized? Did 'zesty' misbehave or something? Why isn't her salad mentioned? Why do I care so much? *confused*

Now let's take a moment and breathe deeply because there's a beef tenderloin on Sandy's menu today and I don't know about you but, watching her abuse expensive cuts of meat just really gets to me.

Ready? Okay, into the fray we go...

First up, most people who tailgate do not bring along pom poms, sweatshirts, and flowers so that they can spend time decorating the parking lot.


Chipotle Java Rubbed Tenderloin

Please note that Sandy has already done a coffee crusted beef tenderloin before so this newest incarnation should ideally be an improvement over the old one. ( Yeah, I know but, we are talking ideals here *not* reality!)

Let's look at Saveur's recipe for a Coffee Crusted Beef Tenderloin and compare this recipe to the recipe that Sandy is making today. The Saveur recipe calls for variety of ingredients including three different varieties of chilies. Both the Saveur recipe and Sandy's most current one, call for ground cinnamon while only Sandy's most current recipe calls for *eyes bug out* instant coffee and a seasoning packet?? *laughs hysterically then realizes the recipe is for real and begins weeping for the poor defenseless tenderloin that met it's demise through Sandy's machinations* Okay, neither Sandy nor her recipe reminds us to remove the string before serving which is troublesome. So perhaps receiving a piece with string attached is like getting the baby in the King Cake? Floss for later? Should unattached guests in search of a significant other place it under their pillow in hopes that it will bring them dreams of said person?
Hell, if I know!

I will say that following that seasoning packet link did answer a burning question I've had about why Sandy says we can "see flavor" besides the oh so obvious shriketastic answer to any and all mysteries of the Sandyverse.

Great Grilled Romaine Sandy, I'm surprised at you! This title needs some more words that start with the letter 'G' so that I can use my Tony the Tiger voice. Your dressing has garlic in it so why not call it Great Grilled Romaine with Garlic and Gallon of Gin on the side?

Okay, I'm just having a little fun with alliteration there. Unless I blacked out while watching this and missed some horrible thing, this is not a bad recipe if you enjoy grilled Romaine and blue cheese dressing. You put some olive oil on your Romaine, grill, put on the dressing and eat. Be careful to not overcook the Romaine! I'm pleased to see her making her own blue cheese salad dressing so I must give her credit for that. Whoot! Go Sandy!

Buffalo Chicken Pizza
All righty then, for this recipe we need:
1 pound chicken tenders, cut into small strips, 1 cup buffalo wing sauce plus 2 tablespoons, 1 can refrigerated pizza dough, 1 cup blue cheese dressing.

For some unknown reason, Sandy brought out a bottle of salad dressing instead of just making up some extra dressing when she made the salad. Huh? Why would she go to the trouble of making homemade blue cheese dressing for one recipe on and not for another recipe on the same show?? *throws hands up in air and walks away muttering*

On that note, why are we instructed to slice up chicken tenders before we grill them? They are already on the small side so won't they fall through the grill if you are not extremely careful? Sorry, but I call foul on her fowl. *ducks to avoid being hit by various flying objects being hurled for having the nerve to attempt such a horrific pun*

Sandy chose a red onion and sliced it up herself. This was odd to me because I was certain that chopping or slicing onion fell under the "monkey business" heading in her world. *confused* She then confided that she selected a red onion for this recipe because it matched her school colors. *rolls eyes* She tells us Buffalo sauce is smart which is very disturbing because I'm almost certain that none of *my* condiments are sentient.

If I'm not mistaken, she reused the same pair of unwashed tongs for both raw and cooked foods throughout this episode, eww. She let the whack-a-dough cook on the grill for a bit and then she dumped on some of the store bought *sighs* blue cheese salad dressing, the rest of the toppings and returned it to the grill to finish baking. I really think the bottom was overdone when she finally retrieved it which is not good. Really folks, there are other recipes out there for Buffalo chicken pizza so don't waste your time and money on this one.


Chocolate Coconut Almond Layer Cake


Earlier in the week, I read what Sandy was making before the recipes were added, and I jotted down how I thought this recipe would be executed. My prediction was:
She's going to use a white cake mix, and add almond extract, coconut extract, and cocoa powder. Then when the cake is cool, she'll probably take a tub or three of white frosting and add the same things to the frosting. The outside of the cake will be covered with bagged coconut and she'll dump some almonds on top while screeching about "attention to detail" and how putting almonds ONto the cake makes her the smartest thing on her obviously radioactive waste filled block.


I was so very wrong and was obviously thinking of her modus operandi from years past! Making a cake from scratch or even a cake mix is sooo early 21st century. *rolls eyes* I never thought I would say this but, I miss her frosting the store bought angel food cakes as at least those are readily available in most grocery stores for those who want to make her AFC recipes. Should I be on the lookout for a new chain of stores called "No Monkey Business Here!" featuring a entire line of unfrosted layer cakes, seasoning packets, booze, and items for creating tablescapes? *bangs head on desk muttering and crying about the future of food in the USA*

We are instructed to come up with: two unfrosted store bought *eye roll* chocolate cake layers, 2 (16 oz) cans of chocolate frosting, 1 teaspoon almond extract, 1 cup coconut, and 1/4 cup toasted and chopped peanuts. *looks very confused* Why does this recipe call for peanuts when the title is Chocolate Coconut Almond Layer Cake?!? *sighs in exasperation* I've spent time with almonds, I know almonds, I love almonds. Peanuts, you are not almonds!!

Maybe it was just my TV but, those cakes looked really dark on top. I know chocolate cake is supposed to be dark but they looked burnt to me. She used the cap on her bottle of almond extract to "measure" 1 teaspoon while chirping about how the extract will make the TWO tubs of chocolate frosting taste homemade which is a big fat lie to anyone who still possesses taste buds. Plus TWO 16 ounce tubs of frosting for that amount of cake is just plain overkill. I really don't know why anybody would invest their time and money in assembling this cake.

Homecoming Punch-

Sandy proceeds to tell us that she learned some great cocktail recipes during her college years. You drank back in college Sandy? Wow, I never would have guessed that! *busts out laughing* I went to parties back in college where they served Jello shooters and "trashcan punch" made with Everclear. I still think either one of those choices is better than mixing thawed orange juice concentrate, thawed pink lemonade concentrate, cranberry juice cocktail, brandy, and champagne. Ugh!


Tablescape:

*laughs hysterically and stops to wipe tears from face*

Oh boy! I hope if I'm ever seriously ill that someone sends me a DVD of nothing but her tablescapes to cheer me up. This one would definitely be on the aforementioned DVD!

She actually set up a big dining room table out there in the parking lot and had a maroon cloth on the table with.... wait for it... some very thin artificial turf on top with grey and yellow tape marking off the yard lines! She had dishes and everything! There were team pennants decorating the table and encircling the glass fishbowl/punchbowl. It was comedy gold!!

This episode reminded me of the one where she had a picnic in the park and brought her dining room table and chairs with her and hung a chandelier up in a nearby tree. Bwah!

3 comments:

Rosie Hawthorne said...

OMG. You really can't make this shit up.

Judy said...

Too funny. But what's even funnier is Sandy has a big following. And her recipes are actually a step up on the way America cooks these days.

Hairball said...

Rosie: I know, I know. Mr. Hairball used to think I being overly harsh until I showed him some of the recipes like the sensuous (cat poo) truffles or that disturbing Kwanzaa cake.

Judy: Sadly I know how right you are. I was at the grocery store one day and these two women were having a discussion about one of those 'everything in one box' meals. Woman A tells woman B that she really should try the meal in question as woman A believed it was the best thing she had ever eaten!
*whimpers*