Lunch With Snads!

In honor of the holiday season, I generously invited Snads to come over and have lunch with me. Here's some video from our lunch.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Feedjit Foolishness part 7645

As many of you know already, Feedjit can be highly entertaining. Let's take a look at one of the search terms that brought a visitor to my blog:

United States arrived from google.com on "Hairballs on the Carpet of Life: Fa-La-La-La-La, La-La-La-La... Day 14" by searching for my dishwasher has hairballs.

What?!?

Fa-La-La-La-La, La-La-La-La... Day 15

Today's movie is A Christmas Story starring Melinda Dillon, Darren McGavin, Peter Billingsley, Ian Petrella, Scott Schwartz, R.D. Robb, Tedde Moore, Yano Anaya, and Zack Ward.



Plot: Peter Billingsley has his heart set on getting a Red Rider BB gun for Christmas even though every adult including Santa, tells him that "You'll shoot your eye out!" Will Santa relent and give Peter his treasured BB gun?

Fa-La-La-La-La, La-La-La-La... Day 14

Today we have Home Alone starring Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, John Heard, Roberts Blossom, Catherine O'Hara, Angela Goethals, Devin Ratray, Gerry Bamman, Hillary Wolf, and John Candy.





Plot:
Macaulay Culkin is accidentally left behind as his family rushes to catch a plane to Paris. He enjoys being on his own until two burglars show up on Christmas Eve. It's up to eight year old Macaulay Culkin to hilariously defend the family homestead until the adults return.

Fa-La-La-La-La, La-La-La-La... Day 5

Today's movie is The Lemon Drop Kid starring Bob Hope, Marilyn Maxwell, Lloyd Nolan, Jane Darwell, Andrea King, and Fred Clark.

I can't find a trailer for this film, but here is a clip from the movie where they introduce the world to the now famous Christmas song, Silver Bells.



Plot:
Bob Hope is a hustler who manages to get himself in deep with gangster Fred Clark. He comes up with a surefire scheme at Christmastime to raise the $10,000 he owes to Fred.

Fa-La-La-La-La, La-La-La-La... Day 2

The movie for today is Miracle on 34th Street starring Maureen O'Hara, Edmund Gwenn, John Payne, and Natalie Wood.

I'll warn you know that the trailer doesn't tell you much about the storyline! Believe it or not, the film was released in May of 1947 and they decided to try and find a way to draw people in while keeping it a secret that the film is a Christmas movie.


Here' s the plot:
Maureen O'Hara is in charge of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, and it is brought to her attention by Edmund Gwenn that the man she hired to play Santa Claus is hopelessly drunk.Luckily, Edmund Gwenn agrees to take over the role for the parade. He is such a success that he is asked to stay on as the department store Santa at Macy's. There's just one problem. Edmund Gwenn actually believes that he is Santa Claus. Maureen O'Hara and her young daughter Natalie Wood are both skeptics who don't believe in legends or fairy tales, while John Payne, who would like nothing more than to be Maureen's husband and Natalie's stepfather, believes that Edmund Gwenn really is Santa Claus. Could it be true? Could there actually be a Santa Claus?

Feedjit Foolishness II

I was browsing over my Feedjit results and discovered a couple that I'd like to share with you. I'm always very interested in the search terms that bring people over to HOTCOL. I'll warn you that part of today's edition is possibly NSFW.







SPOILER SPACE







Warminster, Pennsylvania arrived from google.com on "Hairballs on the Carpet of Life" by searching for dessert hairball recipe.

This had me really puzzled and a bit queasy at first, but I found a Halloween recipe for a Hairball Salad With Saliva Dressing . I'm going to assume that this person had an actual dessert in mind and will not be chowing down on what the cat coughed up.

Sunnyvale, California arrived from google.com on "Hairballs on the Carpet of Life: Gagstastic emails part V" by searching for wife hairball vagina.

Wow! I mean, um... gee....


*stares at wall and blinks rapidly*


Um, did you actually have sex ed, or are you just making it up as you go along?


*stares at wall and blinks rapidly again*


So...um... do you insert them?


Do you tape them on like some bizarre version of a merkin?


Please tell me that your wife doesn't pretend to give birth to them?


Just how drunk or high does one have to be to get to a place where this sounds like a good thing to do?


You know, I've cleaned up my fair share of hairballs and I can honestly say that I've never once looked at one and thought...

And You Thought Your Family Was Eight Kinds Of Crazy...

Dear Marney,


I will be unable to attend your lovely holiday dinner. I would rather eat slobbery Cheetos with a rabid dog than have dinner with you.

Please reassign my dishes to another sucker guest.

Sincerely,
Hairball T. Hairball

Flashback Friday!

Just a few of the comedies from the 1950's that I enjoy.

Hairballs On The Carpet Of Life Fancy Pants-1950 www.vtubetools.com

Hairballs On The Carpet Of Life The Long, Long Trailer-1954 www.vtubetools.com

Hairballs On The Carpet Of Life The Trouble With Harry-1955 www.vtubetools.com

Hairballs On The Carpet Of Life Auntie Mame-1958 www.vtubetools.com

Hairballs On The Carpet Of Life Some Like It Hot-1959 www.vtubetools.com

Have a good weekend everyone!

Gagstastic emails part XI- Friends Day / Creepy!

We are having a two for one sale on gagtastic emails! Whoot!

If have you forwarded me a gagtastic email and are wondering why it hasn't shown up yet, please note that I have several unfinished ones in my draft folder. Sometimes I get stuck and have to wait for inspiration or perspiration to strike.


It's "friends Day" send this to all your good friends.

Shouldn't the word 'friends' be capitalized ?


Even me, if I am one of them.


You're not.


See how many you get back.


Zero, because I don't spam people with stupid crap.


If you get more than 3, you are really a lovable person

I'm really not interested in being popular with the sisterchicks but thanks anyway!


.................... I am waiting

I am sitting !




_________________________________________________
I had nothing to do with the random capitalization. It came that way.

Creepy!!

Ok guys, this truly is freaky, the Phone literally rang as soon as I read The last word of this email!!!!!


*screams* The calls are coming from inside the house!!!


I am taking the bait -
What do I have to lose right?


Um, your pride?


Hope it works!


Hope you get that brain transplant!


Supposedly The Phone Will Ring
Right After You Do This.
Just read the little stories and
Think of a wish as you scroll all
The way to the bottom. There is
A message there - then make your
Wish.

*rolls eyes*


No attachment on this one.


Your attachment to sanity snapped a long time ago.



Stories


Let's all gather by the fire and pretend it's dark and stormy night.


I'm 13 years old, and I wished
That my dad would come home from
The army, because he'd been having
Problems with his heart and right
Leg. It was 2:53 p .m.. When I made
My wish. At 3: 07 PM. (14 minutes
Later), the doorbell rang, and
There my Dad was, luggage and all!!


Shouldn't your Dad have appeared in a big puff of smoke seconds after you finished your wish? I've watched I Dream of Jeannie and that's how it's supposed to work!


I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been
Having trouble in my job and on the
Verge of quitting. I made a simple
Wish that my boss would get a new
Job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55
There was an announcement that he
Was promoted and was leaving for
Another city. Believe me...this
Really works!!!

I've never heard of anybody getting a promotion and moving to another city! The magical wish granting email is true!!

Katie, I read about you in the Death Poem email. If someone invites you to a masquerade ball, just stay home, okay?


My name is Ann and I am 45 years
Of age. I had always been single
And had been hoping to get into a
Nice, loving relationship for many
Years. While kind of daydreaming(and right a after receiving this email) I wished that a quality person would Finally come into my life. That was at
9:10 AM on a Tuesday.. At 9:55 AM
A FedEx delivery man came into my
Office. He was cute, polite and
Could not stop smiling at me. He
Started coming back almost everyday(even without packages) and asked me Out a week later .
We married 6 Months later and now have been
Happily married for 2 years.

Ann, he does that to all the women on his route. You'll be starting in a movie soon on the crying women channel with all his other wives.


What a great email it was!!


It must not have had a bunch of flashy, sparkly crap!!


Just scroll down to the end, but
While you do, think of a wish.


Oh I wish you had a brain...


Make your wish when you have completed
Scrolling.


Scrollin', scrollin', scrollin'
Scrollin', scrollin', scrollin'
Scrollin', scrollin', scrollin'
Rawhide!


Whatever age you are, is the
Number of minutes it will take for your
Wish to come true. Ex.you are 25 years
Old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish
To come true).

I'm 40 so I have to wait 40 minutes. Gee, thanks magical wish granting email for helping me out there! As Barbie once said, math is hard!!


However, if you don't send this to
People in 5 minutes, you will have bad
Luck for years!!


Gloom, despair, and agony on me
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me


Go for it!!!


Bite me!


SCROLL DOWN!!!!

Scroll on down, scroll on down the road
Come on, scroll on down, scroll on down the road
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on, scroll on down, scroll on down down the road

*

**

***

****

*****

******

*******

********

*********

**********

***********

************

*************

**************

***************

****************

*****************

******************

*******************

********************

*********************

**********************

***********************

************************

*************************

**************************

***************************

****************************
*****************************

******************************

*******************************

********************************

*********************************

*********************** ***********
********************* ****** ********

**********************************

*********************************

********************************

*******************************

******************************

*****************************

****************************

***************************

**************************

************************

************************

*************** ********

**********************

*********************

********************

*******************

******************

*****************

****************

***************

**************

*************

************

***********

**********

*********

********

*******
******

*****

****

***

**

*


STOP!!!
Congratulations!!! Your wish will
Now come true in your age minutes.

Age minutes? That sounds like something they would say on those commercials for beauty products where they tell you how awful you look and how their product can solve all your problems.

Your age minutes will be eliminated if you use Expen$ive Crap morning and night while eating a sensible dinner and singing the The Star Spangled Banner. Please ask your doctor if it's safe for you to take the maroon and aqua pill and consume five gallons of water recommended daily by the Expen$ive Crap scientists in the beautiful Swiss Alps.

If Expen$ive Crap can make a troll living under a bridge look good, there's still hope for you!

Now follow this carefully....it
Can be very rewarding!!!!


I seriously doubt that.


If you send this to 10 more
People, other than the 5 that you
Already have to send to, something
Major that you've been wanting
Will happen.


You mean UPS will bring my package today? Whoot!


Message: This is scary!


Should I hide behind the couch?


The phone will ring right after
You do this

*ring ring* This is your magical wish granting email. Your wish was just stupid, so I won't be granting it. Now send this onto to every single person in the universe or else!



I think the most disturbing thing about this email was the signature at the bottom was from an elementary school teacher.

Gagstastic emails part X- The Dirty Dozen

I am supposed to pick 12 women (who have touched my life) and whom I think would want to participate.


I don't really want to participate but thanks for asking!


I think that if this group of women were ever to be in a room together, there is nothing that would be impossible. I hope I chose the right twelve.


*Hairball ducks so the big ball of guilt thrown her way will not stick* Trust me, some things would still be impossible. You really shouldn't have included me in your twelve as I'm a lousy sisterchick disciple.


My hugs, love, gestures and communications hopefully remind you how special that you are. Please send this back to me.


If I am so very special, then you already know that and don't need a stupid email sent back to you as proof of my friendship.


Remember to make a wish before you read the prayer.


Huh? Generally people who strongly believe in the power of prayer are not so big on wishes.


That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached.


That's a relief!


Just send this to twelve people and let me know what happens on the fourth day.


It seems I spoke too soon!


Sorry you have to forward the message, but try not to break this, please.


Too late!


Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. Did you make a wish yet?



I'm confused. Are we praying or wishing for something to happen?



If you don't make a wish, it won't come true. This is your last chance to make a wish!


Okay, so we are wishing now?


May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.'


That's very nice but, I'm still not spamming others with it.


Now, send this to 12 women within the next 5 minutes.


It took me longer than that to write this up. I'm living dangerously!


And remember to send this back. I count as 1...you'll see why.


You're going to email me soon about teaching you how to "forward things properly" when nothing happens, right? Look, the joke is that some people keep falling for this.


Suggestion: copy and paste rather than forwarding it.


But that's no fun! If you cut and paste this, future recipients won't be able to see all the email addresses of past recipients since you refuse to use Bcc when doing group emails! Oh, and the insightful comments! Reading inane things like " I sure hope this works" or "What do I have to lose?" is the best part of getting these emails!

Have a wonderful day!!!


I am. It's a real nice sisterchick-free kinda day in the neighborhood!

Gagstastic emails part IX- The Eye Test

I found them all and have to admit that they weren't all that easy.

I can't believe you are stupid enough to admit in public that you wasted time obeying the dictates of a forwarded email!


I also made my wishes - can't wait to see if they come true.


Uh, you might want to sit down for this one. If your wish comes true, it is merely a coincidence. Magical wish granting emails don't exist. What you need is this.


you are going to need glasses after this..............

How sweet! You send me something that you believe will negatively affect my vision for the rest of my life. Now that's what true friendship is all about!



The Eye Test
Can you find the B
(there are 2 B's) DON'T skip or your wish won't come True...


*rolls eyes*



RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


I had a car that sounded like that years ago! You'd turn the key and it would go RRRRRRRR and you'd pump the gas and hope it would start. It was burgundy except for the drivers side door which was white. It was kinda beat-up and everybody on the road gave me a wide berth for some reason. *shrugs*



Once you've found the B


If the B stands for buffoon, I know exactly where you are.


Find the 1


The one who won't send me these stupid emails?


IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1III
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII


Once you found the 1..................

I've already found the one who annoys the hell outta me and that person is you.


Find the 6


Is it lost?


9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999


Once you've found the 6...


Are you that naive? You hid a six in a group of nines? Were you one of those women who were talking about "teabagging" the White House last month and didn't understand why all the younger people were snickering?


Find the N (it's hard!!)

I'm not going there after the last one.


MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM


Find the six in the gaggle of nines and now a plethora of M's.
*falls over laughing*


Once you've found the N..


Okay, I'm going there. N is for Nooner.


Find the Q....


Q is for Quickie.


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Let's recap. You hid a six in a group of nines, then an N in a sea of M's, and now a Q in a group of O's. You must be the quiet type, huh?


Make 2 wishes!


I hope you grow chin hairs that you can't see well enough to pluck and your computer catches on fire if you ever send another one of these emails.


OK, NOW THAT U MADE A WISH, IT WILL COME TRUE.....
ALL U HAVE 2 DO IS FORWARD TO 3 PEOPLE BUT IF YOU FORWARD TO MORE IT WILL HAPPEN SOONER!!!


As badly as I would like to believe that a magical email could set your computer on fire and leave you with a hairy chin, I believe there's a special section of Hell reserved just for those who spam others with chain emails.

Thoughts on Sandra Lee's new show and old show

Quick explanation for my non-Shrike readers who don't watch Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee. First up, here's a link to some explanations of terms I'll be using. Shrikes are like Joel/Mike and the 'bots, and SHCWSL is the movie.




Snads new program, Money Saving Meals (or Money Sucking Meals as I refer to it) will be premiering this Sunday. Right now, it seems that no new episodes of Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee are planned. I feel kinda sad about this development. After I discovered the folks at TWoP, SHCWSL brought much laughter INto my life. Thanks to all of my Shrike buddies for the years of laughter you have given me.

I have high hopes that Money Sucking Meals will be just as unintentionally hilarious as SHCWSL. Don't let us down Snads. Shrikes everywhere are counting on you to deliver!

Let's look back at some of my favorite SHCWSL clips.

Gagstastic emails part VIII- Tater People

The original email had one animated potato and a link to follow. I clicked on the link and found the following text with groups of animated potatoes interspersed throughout . Think Mrs. Potato Head wearing sneakers, long eyelashes, red lipstick, and a black bowler hat. Wait! Maybe that was Mr. Potato Head?? *shrugs*

There was also the dreaded auto-start music which I truly hate.


TATER PEOPLE

Is that anything like pod people?

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Spec Taters".

Some people send stupid emails. They are called "Irri Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.They are called "Comment Taters".

People who play with knives are called "Decapi Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.They are called "Dick Taters".

If you live near a nuclear waste dump, your family may be called "Mu Taters".


Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.They are called "Agie Taters".


I've fallen and I can't get up! Please call the "Resusci Taters"!


There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.They are called "Hezzie Taters".


People that like to crack their knuckles are called "Crepi Taters.



Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters".

The people who fixed my tires are called "Ro Taters".


Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.They are called "Sweet Taters".


Those prone to vertigo are called "Disorien Taters".


If you know any "Sweet Taters" send this to them!!


No Thanks! You "Gravi Taters" can have this crap!

Gagstastic emails part VII -The Death Poem gets translated into Engrish

Do you ever Google the name of your blog? It can provide some very interesting results. For example, I recently did another gagtastic email post and it seems that someone has translated my post.

Hairballs on the Carpet of Life: Gagstastic emails constituent VII superbly -The Death Poem

For those not acclimatized to this participation of my blog, I as a decisive usher be blind to my responses as if an annoying themselves has sent these anon to me and so my responses are directed at this annoying wonderful themselves. This is another corresponding that was received days a girlfriend. Read Alone.

as a law Especially the PoemThis sounds spotted.
I on whatever is at the deem on is colourful gull. If I compress to holler on that Elvis has been spotted in the deem on to depression the decisive loads of butter that is on Avernus then, I'm seeing Elvis! as a law The Poem is in locale of fact, unfortunately.

What?? Here's the link if you'd like to read the rest of this.

Edited to add: Sorry about the bad link, it should work now.

Gagstastic emails part VII -The Death Poem

For those not used to this part of my blog, I always write my responses as if an annoying person has sent these directly to me and so my responses are directed at this annoying fictional person. This is another one that was received by a friend.

Read Alone…..Especially the Poem

This sounds dirty. She wouldn't send me something dirty, would she? Hmm??

I believe what ever is in store for us will be for us.

I believe whatever is at the store is fair game. If I have to yell out that Elvis has been spotted in the store to snag the last package of butter that is on sale then, I'm seeing Elvis!

The Poem is true, unfortunately. Make sure you read the Poem.

Why do so many of these things think we have suffered a memory loss? I just read about reading the poem a couple of lines ago!

Kelly Sedey had one wish, For her boyfriend of three years, David Marsden, to propose to her.


Kelly, you are a very patient person.

Then one day when she was out To lunch David proposed! She accepted, but then had to leave Because she had a meeting in 20 min.

Oh wow! Something fabulous is about to occur to make Kelly a very happy woman, right??

When she got to her office, !!


Why does getting to her office require exclamation points?? Is Publishers Clearing House waiting for her with a ginormous check?


She noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's

Why does Kelly have "e-mail's" instead of emails?

This email business is just downright scary. For me, just the mention of email, clowns, eight track tape decks, Sandra Lee, or Jello pudding makes me break out in a cold sweat.

She checked it, the usual stuff


So poor Kelly had a whole bunch of sparkly animated stuff from sisterchicks who used emotional blackmail to try and make Kelly feel guilty so she wouldn't just delete them all and get on with her day?

(*sighs heavily after saying that big run-on sentence*)

Bummer! She seemed like a nice woman.

From her friends, but then she saw one That she had never gotten before.


You mean she usually gets the same exact emails everyday? How does she get any work done? Do they have some kind of code that if Bill forwards that email from '97 about the Johnson account that today it means the account with the purple unicorn sticker on the file?

It was this poem. She simply deleted it


*screams* NOOOO! You never, ever delete an email! You could become uber-wealthy from some kindhearted person in a country you've never even heard of.

Without even reading all of it.

Even worse! How will you be able to enlarge parts of your body that you don't even have, if you don't read all of the spam??


BIG MISTAKE!

Oh!!! It was a dirty email and she could have spammed all her friends with it.!! Kelly, you are so dumb!

Later that evening,

She's not still at work? Somebody has got to make the doughnuts you slacker!

She received a phone call from the Police It was about DAVID!

David Soul? I really liked him in that Salem's Lot miniseries. In fact I liked it so much that I bought the DVD. Everybody is invited to come over later and watch it with me! I'll make some popcorn on the stove with real butter, and I'll put some Dr. Pepper in the fridge so it will be nice and cold when everybody gets here. Whoot!


He had been in an accident With an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive!


That's a big fat lie! David Soul is alive and well!

Case Two Take Katie Robinson She received this poem
And being the believer that she was


There's lots of good things to believe in but, I've never heard of believing in emails.


She sent it to a few of her friends but Didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 5 that you must.


Katie is a LOSER! Katie is a LOSER! Katie is a LOSER!


Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball.


Katie, if you ask your doctor for the chartreuse and puce pill, you can lose that mask and start living again!

Later that night when she left to get to her car, She was killed in that spot by a Hit-and-run drunk driver.


Well, Katie was obviously a complete and utter loser who didn't even have five people to send the death poem out to, so why should we care what happens to her?

Case Three Richard S. Willis sent this poem out Within 45 minutes of reading it.


Richard, the TV people say for you to send me all your money right now. If you don't, the TV people will make you go bald, gain 100 pounds, grow hair on your eyeballs and smell like a jar of mayonnaise that has been left out in the desert for a week.


Not even 4 hours later walking along the street


Walking? What a loser! Everybody knows that your worth as a person is determined by the car you drive, expensive designer clothes, and a huge McMansion that you can't even afford to buy furniture for. Why should I care about this complete loser?


To his new job interview with a really big company,


Will he have a really big desk, with a really big phone, and sit in a really big chair at the really big company? As Ed Sullivan used to say, "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have a really Big SHEW!".

When he ran into Cynthia Bell,


*SMACK* Hey Cindy, are you okay after that loser knocked you over? I know a good lawyer that could get you a boatload of money off that loser!


His secret love for 5 years.


Richard you are King of the losers! Five years is plenty of time to hike up your drawers and tell ol' Cindy how you feel.

Cynthia came up to him And told him of her passionate crush on him That she had had for 2 years.


Oh Hell! Cindy, you are the Queen of the losers.


Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married.


Wow! That was one quick wedding. You don't think....nah!! Poor ol' Cindy didn't even have time to turn into a bridezilla. I bet Cindy's mom is still upset that she didn't get to do the whole fairy princess bit for ol' Cindy and blames you for it.

Cynthia and Richard are still married With three children, happy as ever!


Maybe so but, they couldn't ever admit if they weren't happy as the death poem would come knocking on their door and take them out.


This is the Poem


Oh Goody! I'll be dead soon so y'all can fight over my bath stuff, my DVDs, my silicone bakeware and the ice cream in the freezer. Be sure and feed my cats their Metamucil once a day, okay?

Around the corner I have a friend,


I have a hallway.


In this great city that has no end,


Your city is on a ginormous treadmill? How awesome! How exactly does that work?


Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,


I love it when weeks wear those little running shorts with the days of the week on the back.

And before I know it, a year is gone.


Who stole the year? Give it back right now!


And I never see my old friends face,


I think your city has a serious crime problem if someone had their face stolen!

For life is a swift and terrible race,


Did you know they made a reality show about racing around the world? It was about running from the cops or trying to get away from Donald Trump's hair or something.


He knows I like him just as well,


Oh, so you are not a loser like Richard and Cindy? Good for you!


As in the days when I rang his bell.


I try to keep things PG-13 around here so lets skip over the details, okay?


And he rang mine but we were younger then,


I really don't need to know the details. Let's just have the closeup of the fireplace and then the fadeout.


And now we are busy, tired men.


Too busy for bell ringing, we got it. Get on with the story.


Continue….


I told you to get on with it!!


Tired of playing a foolish game,


I like Scrabble and Monopoly myself. Oh, and card games! I like crazy eights and gin rummy. Dominoes are also fun.


Tired of trying to make a name.

I love making up names! I'm Hairball T.Hairball online, at the doctor's office I'm Winifred Samuels Johnson, and Mr. Hairball thinks my first name is Sparkles. I'll call you Ridge, like that actor on the Bold and the Beautiful. He doesn't have a whole lot of range, but he can still kinda move his face and he doesn't have a trout pout like some of his co-stars so I guess he's alright.


'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim


Ridge, remember about the fireplace.


Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'


Ridge, look at the pretty fire in the fireplace.

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And distance between us grows and grows.


I saw this guy on Oprah once with this book he was hawking. I think you might find it helpful. He's Just Not That Into You.


Around the corner, yet miles away,


You live on an extremely long block!!


'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'


He read your telegram? Aren't they supposed to be sealed so the delivery person can't snoop? I think you should get a lawyer.


And that's what we get and deserve in the end.


FIREPLACE! FIREPLACE! FIREPLACE!


Around the corner, a vanished friend.


Wow! You must have magicians living on your extremely long block! Is your car still there?


Continue…


Yeah, go on...

Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them.

Good advice! Also, don't be losers like Richard and Cindy.


Don't be afraid to express yourself.



Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.


Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Call up, call up and just say hi! I loved those old commercials didn't you?

Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.


Just ask Richard and Cindy about the time they wasted being losers.

Seize the day. Never have regrets.


Carpe Diem, carpe pizza, carpe ice cream,...


And most importantly, stay close to your friends


So they don't run away, because you are just plain scary!


and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

Yes, they are the ones who made me afraid of email, clowns, eight track tape decks, and Jello pudding. Now, my fear of Sandra Lee has nothing to do with them. I saw the infamous Halloween episode with the cheesecake and the pumpkin pie, and I knew right then, that she was eight kinds of crazy.


You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 other people besides me

Oh wow! Your friends and family are gonna come over and toilet paper your house for spamming them with this crap!

If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck.

Well, once you get all that toilet paper out of your trees, you won't have to buy any for a long time and that's kinda lucky!


the more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have.

You are going to have oodles of free toilet paper!!

SMILE, even through your tears!!!!!

That's funny! My tears come out of my eyes and yours come out of your mouth. How deliciously odd!

Update to Gagastic email part VI

In reading over the comments I got on this post, I think I need to clarify something. I was poking fun at myself and my older fictional recipient by using terms like "Epic Fail" or "The Internets". I'm 40, I know that I'm not up on the latest stuff that is going around and for me, that's part of the joke. *laughs* I saw a rerun of Frasier the other night, and the term 'buzz kill' was used on the show. My first thought was to wonder if anyone under 30 uses that term anymore.

I admit that I do get tickled at older people I know who say stuff like "so and so is in the jail", "I bought this at the Wal-Marts", "I'm afraid of the Internets", etc... I even have a relative who refuses to get an ATM card because he is afraid of computer viruses.

To these people, I'm young, hip, and tech savvy which is completely hysterical to me because I'm well aware that I am not on top of the trends of ANYTHING! Well, unless everybody starts yelling Whoot! and dancing in their kitchens, that is.*grins*

Live long and prosper,

Hairball T. Hairball

Gagstastic emails part VI

For those not used to this part of my blog, I always write my responses as if an annoying person has sent these directly to me and so my snark is directed at this annoying fictional person. This one was actually received by a friend of mine.

I was truly stunned that there was no sparkly, flashy, crap in this one that I needed to strip out before posting.
__________________________________________________________________


First up, learn to use the Bcc function in your email program. It stands for 'blind carbon copy' and the email addresses entered there will be concealed. Look, these idiotic emails get forwarded and unscrupulous people harvest the email addresses from them with the intent of spamming us all to Kingdom Come. I have occasionally been joe-jobbed which is another fun thing that happens as your email address floats around the Internet. Be a real friend and always use the Bcc function in any emails you think could possibly get forwarded. As Martha Stewart would say, 'Bcc is a good thing'.

Secondly, use the cut and paste function to strip out all the email addresses and comments from those who just hit forward and send this crap on to the next person.Reading all the "insightful" comments from people you don't even know is just annoying.

if you are honest, this tells the truth. It's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.

I cannot believe the stupidity of some people. Email forwards do not foretell the future. Yes, sometimes it looks like one of these things is right but, it's nothing more than a clever trick. You want your future told, then don't mess around. Call the Psychic Friends Network.


Vivica A. Fox wouldn't lie to us!

1. Which is your favorite color out of: red , black , blue , green , or yellow?

I love how you so helpfully color coordinated the words for me. I'm always forgetting if red is the one that matches the color of the stuff that whizzes around in my veins. Maybe next week you can teach me why it's bad to take my toaster INto the bathtub.

2. Your first initial?

You've known me for how long? You don't know my name! You don't love me and think I'm extra super special and want to be my BFF and .... *wails incoherently like a wounded animal. Then grabs a tissue, blows nose and says angrily* My full name is Hairball Tiberius Hairball. *stomps off in a huff*

3. Your month of birth?

Once again if you were really my BFF and thought I was extra super special you would know that I was born in January.

4. Which color do you like more, black or white?

5. Name of a person of the same gender as yours.

You are attractive but, I'm not ready to switch teams just yet. Thanks for asking though.

6. Your favorite number?

7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?

You are so old school in your thinking. I bought a kit on "the internets" and I'm going to convert the shrike bus into a flying shrike bus! Whoot!

8) Do You like a lake or the ocean more?

Are you planning on sending me to sleep with the fishies? Why is your lake so brown?? Ewww!

9) Write down a wish( a realistic one).

I'm just going to ignore the realistic part of this as what fun is there in wishing for stuff like your milk not going bad before you use it up. My wish is that whoever makes up these idiotic email forwards would be staked out nekkid on an ant hill and made to watch this clip over and over for a week. *thinks for a moment* Oh crap! They'd probably enjoy it if all the other junk you send me is indicative of their taste.

When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!)

I learned this phrase from some of my younger friends. I'm not completely sure I'm using this correctly but, I think it goes like this:

EPIC FAIL!

Answers

1.If you choose:

Crap I never picked a color so I guess I'm all the colors all rolled up INto one.

Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.

Oh sorry, I fell asleep there because I'm so lonely and unloved. What did you say??

Black- You are conservative and aggressive.

Just call me Leroy...

Green- Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.

*raises hand* How exactly does one get a relaxed soul? I understand relaxed fit jeans, people relaxing their curly hair, and stretching out on the couch to relax but, my soul being relaxed befuddles me.

Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.

As opposed to random strangers?

Yellow- You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

My advise to all of you who are feeling low is: Never get drunk and cut your hair with pinking shears. Once you sober up, you will look like a idiot which will depress you even further.

2. If your initial is:

A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.

Aww, isn't that nice? The email forward is trying to flatter me! Now where did I put those hip waders??

L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good...

3. If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

So I'm getting a divorce!?! Nobody told me!!!

April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.

July-Sep:You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.

Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate

.

4. If you chose:

Black:Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

If you chose neither, we have a years supply of Turtle Wax for your waxing enjoyment. Tell us all about it, Monty.

5. This person is your best friend.

I'm in the doghouse now as the idiotic sisterchick rule says you must always select the sisterchick who sent you this drivel as your BFF! *grumble grumble* Now wait just a minute! You didn't remember my name or when I was born, so I can use that as emotional blackmail to make you feel like a total worm!! Whoot!

6 This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.

8,675,309! If all my good buddies pool their resources, I am going to be drowning in gifts at Christmas and my birthday. First up, I want this and this. Let me confer with Mr. Hairball about all the details of a new computer and I'll get back to you! Whoot!
Edited to add: Okay, I checked with Mr. Hairball and he wants a Cray CX1 and with his selected options, the price is $ 19,200. It's so nice of all 8,675,309 of you to chip in on the computer of his dreams!

7. If you chose:

Flying: You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.

Hmm, 'Flying shrike bus' is not listed as a choice so I'll just make up my own answer.

If you chose: Flying Shrike Bus: You are incredible. Mere words cannot describe how incredibly fabulous you are. No other person on the planet is as gifted as you are. You are the smartest thing on your radioactive waste filled block!

*Singing loudly and off-key*

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it

* Hairball realizes everyone is staring at her*

Oh, sorry! I got a little sidetracked there didn't I?

8. If you chose:

Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.


What if you prefer to get drunk on vanella vodka and run through the car wash yelling Whoot! until the cops show up and ask you to leave?

9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday.

*Pulls out cellphone, dials a number and waits for an answer*

Hello Mythbusters? I just wondered if you guys wanted a gagtastic email to blow up on your show?