"Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we've lived."
-Jean Luc Picard

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Tablescapin' 101

Blogger Lidian of Kitchen Retro, wrote the following comment about my last post:

"So how about a business making unfrosted cake layers? And maybe seasoning packets, too. But could you make a tablescape out of the layers and the packets?"

I could never keep a straight face selling the unfrosted cake layers to the Fandras! As for the tablescape, I've seen Sandra Lee make a tablescape with hubcaps so a tablescape with unfrosted cake layers and seasoning packets would be a cinch!

First, you take a big chug of vanella vodka (recommended: Stoli Vanilla) and yell Whoot! You then place an unhemmed piece of fabric from the craft store down the center of your table. Next, you empty out 18 guacamole seasoning packets ( recommended:McCormick) INto a bowl and set the empty packets aside. Then you empty out 100 more packets( recommended: Lawry's) of various flavors and sizes (also reserving the powder for later) and glue the empty packets together like a house of cards with your hot glue gun(recommended:HG-410AK). Gluing the various sizes together may be challenging, so I suggest getting out a second bottle of vanella vodka from your private stock to chug from as needed.

You need your house of seasoning packets to be at least six stories high. Once you have it to the desired height, place in the middle of your table (recommended: The Dining Room Space). Take a big chug of vodka and yell Whoot! Then you take 12 empty 4" decorative ceramic cachepots (recommended:Pottery Barn) and crumble up 13 devil's food cake layers and place some of the cake inside each pot to resemble dirt. (Save any extra "dirt" for another purpose.) Go in your kitchen and eat 12 frozen novelties (recommended: Popsicles) and return with the *unwashed* sticks. Take a big chug of vodka, yell Whoot! and attempt to hip check your dining table.

Take a flamethrower (recommended: M2) and thoughtfully burn the edges of the 12 empty guacamole seasoning packets so they look old. Place a good sized blob of glue from your hot glue gun inside of a seasoning packet, and insert one of the unwashed sticks about one inch, and hold the packet shut until the glue dries. Repeat eleven more times and insert the end of a Popsicle stick INto each cachepot filled with cake. Okay, turn the stick around and try to insert the end that doesn't have a seasoning packet glued to it if that is easier for you. Take a big chug of vodka and yell Whoot! as you work on picking the dried glue off your face from when you briefly passed out on your glue gun.

Place your guacamole seasoning packet "plants" on the left end of your table beside the house of seasoning packets. Place a kiddie pool (recommended: Just Kids Pools) on the other side of the house of seasoning packets, and fill it completely with vanella vodka. Locate a candle tall enough to be placed inside the pool filled with vodka, but not so tall that it touches the canopy of the pool. Light candle with flamethrower being thoughtful so that you don't catch the canopy of the pool on fire. Take a big chug of vodka and yell Whoot!while doing an interpretive dance about how you are the smartest thing on your block.

Take 12 unfrosted cake layers of various flavors and arrange them around the perimeter of the remaining table space. Squeeze them in if needed and don't be afraid to have your guests share chairs if necessary. Times are tough, so sometimes we must economize like this. Take an empty tuna can and punch out the center of each cake layer and crumble this INto a bowl and set aside for later use. INto the hole at each "place setting", I want you to place 1/4 cup of the seasoning powder you reserved from making the house of seasoning packets. Just eyeball it or use the lid from a mayonnaise jar (recommended: Hellman's) for measuring. These cake layers will act as your plates. For utensils, some cute disposables (recommended:Snap-a-Party ) will be super sweet! Pop out the plate and save for later use but, leave everything else attached so your guests can enjoy removing their own utensils. The extra plastic that remains is their favor. Take a big chug of vodka and yell Whoot!

Open up a twelve pack of paper towels (recommended: Bounty) and fold them decoratively so that you have twelve miniature Statues of Liberty. Place one in the center of each "plate" so that the hole containing seasoning packet powder is completely covered.Take a big chug of vodka and yell Whoot!

Now take the bowl of various flavors of cake you punched out with the tuna can, and crumble some INto 12 martini glasses (recommended: Crate and Barrel), top with a vanella pudding cup ( recommended: JELL-O), and some whipped topping (recommended: Cool Whip). Sprinkle some of the guacamole seasoning packet powder on top and store them in refrigerator for later. When it's time for dessert, pour in a shot of vanella vodka, chocolate liqueur (recommended:Godiva ), coconut rum ( recommended:Malibu ), and creme de menthe (recommended:DeKuyper). If any alcohol spills while doing this, don't be afraid to sop it up with leftover cake crumbs and eat them before you serve the dessert to your guests.

Now some of you may be wondering where the rest of the food is for this soiree. Well, the rest of the menu will depend on what colors you wish to wear and use for the unhemmed piece of fabric from the craft store that will be acting as your tablecloth. It's very important when entertaining to have all of your decorating elements and food items coordinate with the ensemble of the host or hostess. Therefore, you must plan all of this before selecting the remainder of your menu.

Speaking of vodka...Take a big chug of vodka and yell Whoot!


Rosie Hawthorne said...

Chug and WHOOT!

Public Artist said...

Surely some of those seasoning packet contents need to be sprinkled all over the fabric to make snow or sand or grass..or whatever. That way you cant eat them AND they make a big mess! Its also clearly cheaper to but the decorative seasoning in pre-mixed packets.

Lidian said...

You had me at Vanilla Vodka!

It all sounds quite delightfully complicated - and the more vodka I have, the more complicated it would get. Heaven knows what I'd make of it, I would probably end up in the kiddie pool with a few cake layers on my head.

LOVE this post! And thank you for the shout out :)

Hairball said...

Rosie, truer words regarding Sandy have never been spoken!

Public Artist, I actually pondering laying out some of the seasoning packets in lines. That way, those in desperate need of a hit of sodium, artificial flavorings and colorings, could just snort the stuff and be done with it! LOL

Lidian, that is the insanity of Sandra Lee. She tells you to not spend time on the food so you can do all these crazy craft and 'tablescape' projects. If I tried to drink even a fraction of what she does, I'd end up there in the kiddie pool with you!

Your blog is a scream! While I don't have many visitors, I want to point the ones I do your way so they too can start their days off with laughter! :)

Dr. Julie-Ann said...

I've never seen this show but I think I've got a pretty good idea of how ridiculous it is based on your description.

Thanks for the laugh (and the visit to my blog)!

Hairball said...

Hi Dr. Julie-Ann!

People who like to cook only watch Sandra Lee for one or more of the following reasons:

1) She's a huge trainwreck and you feel compelled to watch her.
2) You love the snark at TWoP and want to join in.
3) You keep finding items at the grocery store like frozen PB&J sandwiches, and are curious about who buys that kind of stuff.
4) You've convinced yourself it's clever parody about the downfall of cooking in the USA.
5) You need serious professional help.