"Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we've lived."
-Jean Luc Picard

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Gagstastic emails part VII -The Death Poem

For those not used to this part of my blog, I always write my responses as if an annoying person has sent these directly to me and so my responses are directed at this annoying fictional person. This is another one that was received by a friend.

Read Alone…..Especially the Poem

This sounds dirty. She wouldn't send me something dirty, would she? Hmm??

I believe what ever is in store for us will be for us.

I believe whatever is at the store is fair game. If I have to yell out that Elvis has been spotted in the store to snag the last package of butter that is on sale then, I'm seeing Elvis!

The Poem is true, unfortunately. Make sure you read the Poem.

Why do so many of these things think we have suffered a memory loss? I just read about reading the poem a couple of lines ago!

Kelly Sedey had one wish, For her boyfriend of three years, David Marsden, to propose to her.

Kelly, you are a very patient person.

Then one day when she was out To lunch David proposed! She accepted, but then had to leave Because she had a meeting in 20 min.

Oh wow! Something fabulous is about to occur to make Kelly a very happy woman, right??

When she got to her office, !!

Why does getting to her office require exclamation points?? Is Publishers Clearing House waiting for her with a ginormous check?

She noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's

Why does Kelly have "e-mail's" instead of emails?

This email business is just downright scary. For me, just the mention of email, clowns, eight track tape decks, Sandra Lee, or Jello pudding makes me break out in a cold sweat.

She checked it, the usual stuff

So poor Kelly had a whole bunch of sparkly animated stuff from sisterchicks who used emotional blackmail to try and make Kelly feel guilty so she wouldn't just delete them all and get on with her day?

(*sighs heavily after saying that big run-on sentence*)

Bummer! She seemed like a nice woman.

From her friends, but then she saw one That she had never gotten before.

You mean she usually gets the same exact emails everyday? How does she get any work done? Do they have some kind of code that if Bill forwards that email from '97 about the Johnson account that today it means the account with the purple unicorn sticker on the file?

It was this poem. She simply deleted it

*screams* NOOOO! You never, ever delete an email! You could become uber-wealthy from some kindhearted person in a country you've never even heard of.

Without even reading all of it.

Even worse! How will you be able to enlarge parts of your body that you don't even have, if you don't read all of the spam??


Oh!!! It was a dirty email and she could have spammed all her friends with it.!! Kelly, you are so dumb!

Later that evening,

She's not still at work? Somebody has got to make the doughnuts you slacker!

She received a phone call from the Police It was about DAVID!

David Soul
? I really liked him in that Salem's Lot miniseries. In fact I liked it so much that I bought the DVD. Everybody is invited to come over later and watch it with me! I'll make some popcorn on the stove with real butter, and I'll put some Dr. Pepper in the fridge so it will be nice and cold when everybody gets here. Whoot!

He had been in an accident With an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive!

That's a big fat lie! David Soul is alive and well!

Case Two Take Katie Robinson She received this poem
And being the believer that she was

There's lots of good things to believe in but, I've never heard of believing in emails.

She sent it to a few of her friends but Didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 5 that you must.

Katie is a LOSER! Katie is a LOSER! Katie is a LOSER!

Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball.

Katie, if you ask your doctor for the chartreuse and puce pill, you can lose that mask and start living again!

Later that night when she left to get to her car, She was killed in that spot by a Hit-and-run drunk driver.

Well, Katie was obviously a complete and utter loser who didn't even have five people to send the death poem out to, so why should we care what happens to her?

Case Three Richard S. Willis sent this poem out Within 45 minutes of reading it.

Richard, the TV people say for you to send me all your money right now. If you don't, the TV people will make you go bald, gain 100 pounds, grow hair on your eyeballs and smell like a jar of mayonnaise that has been left out in the desert for a week.

Not even 4 hours later walking along the street

Walking? What a loser! Everybody knows that your worth as a person is determined by the car you drive, expensive designer clothes, and a huge McMansion that you can't even afford to buy furniture for. Why should I care about this complete loser?

To his new job interview with a really big company,

Will he have a really big desk, with a really big phone, and sit in a really big chair at the really big company? As Ed Sullivan used to say, "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have a really Big SHEW!".

When he ran into Cynthia Bell,

*SMACK* Hey Cindy, are you okay after that loser knocked you over? I know a good lawyer that could get you a boatload of money off that loser!

His secret love for 5 years.

Richard you are King of the losers! Five years is plenty of time to hike up your drawers and tell ol' Cindy how you feel.

Cynthia came up to him And told him of her passionate crush on him That she had had for 2 years.

Oh Hell! Cindy, you are the Queen of the losers.

Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married.

Wow! That was one quick wedding. You don't think....nah!! Poor ol' Cindy didn't even have time to turn into a bridezilla. I bet Cindy's mom is still upset that she didn't get to do the whole fairy princess bit for ol' Cindy and blames you for it.

Cynthia and Richard are still married With three children, happy as ever!

Maybe so but, they couldn't ever admit if they weren't happy as the death poem would come knocking on their door and take them out.

This is the Poem

Oh Goody! I'll be dead soon so y'all can fight over my bath stuff, my DVDs, my silicone bakeware and the ice cream in the freezer. Be sure and feed my cats their Metamucil once a day, okay?

Around the corner I have a friend,

I have a hallway.

In this great city that has no end,

Your city is on a ginormous treadmill? How awesome! How exactly does that work?

Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,

I love it when weeks wear those little running shorts with the days of the week on the back.

And before I know it, a year is gone.

Who stole the year? Give it back right now!

And I never see my old friends face,

I think your city has a serious crime problem if someone had their face stolen!

For life is a swift and terrible race,

Did you know they made a reality show about racing around the world? It was about running from the cops or trying to get away from Donald Trump's hair or something.

He knows I like him just as well,

Oh, so you are not a loser like Richard and Cindy? Good for you!

As in the days when I rang his bell.

I try to keep things PG-13 around here so lets skip over the details, okay?

And he rang mine but we were younger then,

I really don't need to know the details. Let's just have the closeup of the fireplace and then the fadeout.

And now we are busy, tired men.

Too busy for bell ringing, we got it. Get on with the story.


I told you to get on with it!!

Tired of playing a foolish game,

I like Scrabble and Monopoly myself. Oh, and card games! I like crazy eights and gin rummy. Dominoes are also fun.

Tired of trying to make a name.

I love making up names! I'm Hairball T.Hairball online, at the doctor's office I'm Winifred Samuels Johnson, and Mr. Hairball thinks my first name is Sparkles. I'll call you Ridge, like that actor on the Bold and the Beautiful. He doesn't have a whole lot of range, but he can still kinda move his face and he doesn't have a trout pout like some of his co-stars so I guess he's alright.

'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim

Ridge, remember about the fireplace.

Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'

Ridge, look at the pretty fire in the fireplace.

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And distance between us grows and grows.

I saw this guy on Oprah once with this book he was hawking. I think you might find it helpful. He's Just Not That Into You.

Around the corner, yet miles away,

You live on an extremely long block!!

'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'

He read your telegram? Aren't they supposed to be sealed so the delivery person can't snoop? I think you should get a lawyer.

And that's what we get and deserve in the end.


Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Wow! You must have magicians living on your extremely long block! Is your car still there?


Yeah, go on...

Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them.

Good advice! Also, don't be losers like Richard and Cindy.

Don't be afraid to express yourself.

Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.

Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Call up, call up and just say hi! I loved those old commercials didn't you?

Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.

Just ask Richard and Cindy about the time they wasted being losers.

Seize the day. Never have regrets.

Carpe Diem, carpe pizza, carpe ice cream,...

And most importantly, stay close to your friends

So they don't run away, because you are just plain scary!

and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

Yes, they are the ones who made me afraid of email, clowns, eight track tape decks, and Jello pudding. Now, my fear of Sandra Lee has nothing to do with them. I saw the infamous Halloween episode with the cheesecake and the pumpkin pie, and I knew right then, that she was eight kinds of crazy.

You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 other people besides me

Oh wow! Your friends and family are gonna come over and toilet paper your house for spamming them with this crap!

If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck.

Well, once you get all that toilet paper out of your trees, you won't have to buy any for a long time and that's kinda lucky!

the more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have.

You are going to have oodles of free toilet paper!!

SMILE, even through your tears!!!!!

That's funny! My tears come out of my eyes and yours come out of your mouth. How deliciously odd!


Rosie Hawthorne said...

Hunter Tylo's got some scary lips now. She's giving Lisa Rhinna a run for her money.

And Ridge has had some serious work done. He's gonna end up looking like Richard Chamberlain.

I too am smiling through tears,
but my mouth is in my eyeball.

Hairball said...

I believe that picture of Hunter Tylo is actually from a few years ago. I haven't been watching B&B lately but, I watched this clip of her from today's broadcast and her lips still look overinflated to me.

I had to do a search for Richard Chamberlain as I haven't seen him in a while but I see what you mean. Then there's Kenny Rodgers or Burt Reynolds. *shakes head* I think I'd rather just look old than take a chance of winding up looking like poor Priscilla Presley.

Lidian said...

Oh my stars, that's like an urban legend, right in your e mail. Lovely.

I am being called (plaintively!) so must go, not being able to think of what else to say. Am speechless, actually.

Stripey Underpants said...

I got this email, too, several months ago. I deleted it, and you know what happened? Er, nothing, really. I did feel a bit headachey, but I took some Tylenol and was better in a little while. And that's about it, really.

Hairball said...

Stripey Underpants, I'm sorry to tell you this but, that headache was a sign of things to come. All of us who scoff at the death poem are living on borrowed time. I myself, could keel over at *crashes down onto the floor*